Bats

Bat Control

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“What’s he doing?”

“He says it’s bat control.”

“Seriously?  He looks . . . he looks like he’s just crazy.”

“I know, right?  But, he says there’s a bat in his dorm room and he’s taking care of bat control by himself.”

The boy in question was a freshman, and was dancing, or jerking around, with a sheet in front of his window at night in a first-floor dorm room.  He’d opened up the window, which is gave all of us a nice view of what was going on.  So far, no one had seen a bat, but this was a lot better than the junk reality show playing in the common room, so a small crowd had gathered on the sidewalk and grass outside his window.

“So, if he’s doing bat control, where’s the bat?  All I see is the dude and his sheet.  Weird.”

“No, no!  I see it.”

Bat hanging from a ceiling.
A bat hanging from the ceiling of a freshman dorm room.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

A bunch of us leaned forward, some squinting, trying to catch a glimpse of the bat in the room.

“There!  There it is!  D’ya see it?”

The freshman had stopped waving his bed sheet for just a moment, long enough for the bat to settle back down in the corner of the wall.  It was big enough to make some of the girls screech and fall back behind some of the guys.  Its pursuer realized he had an audience, and turned to address us, enjoying his moment.

“It’s just a big brown bat, is all.  Dunno how it got in here, but I’m gonna try to make it fly back out the window.”

At this, some of the more squeamish girls fell back even further.

“Dude, use a racket or something!”

“Do you have one I could use?”

“No.  But, I’m sure a sheet ain’t gonna do it.”  The boy just shrugged.

“What if it bites him?” someone asked.

“It’s not gonna bite me, unless I try to hold it in my hands.  I just want to get it out of my room so it doesn’t crap all over everything.”

“Ewwwww,” someone muttered.

Someone else gasped, and the boy whirled around to recommence his herky-jerky-sheet-dance as the bat swooped around the room.  He assumed a bull-fighter’s stance when the bat flew lower through the air.

“I’m tellin’ ya, a sheet’s not gonna do a thing.  You gotta have something like a tennis racket or something,” the self-proclaimed bat control expert asserted, though no one was listening to him.  Everyone was too busy shouting out pointers to the freshman dancing in the window.

“On your left!”

“Up, up, up, up!!!”

“Don’t try to catch it, just scare it out the window.”

This last piece of advice earned the speaker a withering glare from Bat-Boy, as he was now being called.

And, then, suddenly, it was over.  The bat finally swooped out the window and zoomed far out of sight.  Everyone, except for the racket-lover, broke out into spontaneous applause and the boy took a bow, closed his window and his shutters, and everyone drifted off, talking about that night’s excitement.

Raccoons

Raccoon Control

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Mama Raccoon says I don’t know anything about the world, but in my whole life of two weeks, I’ve learned a lot about raccoon control.

Mama loves to tell us the story of how she hunted high and low for the perfect place to have her perfect little babies.  My two sisters and I are, of course, perfect.  Before Mama had us, she walked through the forest.  She found a big log that was hollow and would protect her babies from the rain, and thought that maybe that would be the perfect place.  But, there was already a little family of skunks living in there, and she almost got sprayed by Mama Skunk, so she got out of there.  Then, she found an abandoned car with soft seats filled with wonderful fluffy stuff that she thought would be perfect to keep her little babies warm.  But, there was a nest of rats living in there already, and she didn’t want her babies to get bitten by nasty little rats, so she moved on.  Then, she found a little area under some stairs right next to a big bowl of cat food, and she thought it would be a good place to have her babies, because it would be so close to food.  But, some people tromped up and down those stairs all the time, and she was scared they would get raccoon control out there and take her away.

Finally, she crawled up and up onto a person house, and looked through a little crack in the roof above a porch.  It was indoors, so it would keep her babies safe from the rain.  It was filled with fluffy insulation, so it would keep her babies warm.  It was close to a woodpile just outside, under which lived delicious little mice.  And, no people went up there all the time, so she thought she would be safe from raccoon control.  It was perfect.

So, Mama made that little crack into a big, big hole so she could get up in the roof over the porch.  She is very strong, so she just pulled back the roof and tore into it until she could safely get inside.  Then, we came along, and Mama was very happy.  Sure, we stained the fluffy insulation, and sometimes we were noisier than we should have been, but mostly it was a perfect little life.

Until, one day, a man heard us moving around up in our perfect little home.  We heard some metal scraping on the concrete below, which turned out to be a ladder.  The man poked his hand up inside.  In his hand was a bright, bright light, and I wanted to get closer.  Mama picked me up in her hands and held me close to her, and she pushed my sister and brother back behind her.  Then, she went up to sniff and growl at the light.  It went away really quickly, and we thought we were safe.  But, a few hours later, raccoon control showed up and we were taken out of our perfect place one by one.  Mama says she’ll find us another perfect place for us where we won’t bother people anymore.

Feral Cats

Feral Cat Removal

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feral cat removal

I am a self-proclaimed cat lover, even though some people really don’t understand my efforts at feral cat removal.  I don’t actually have any pets of my own since my last cat passed away a year ago, but I love animals of all kinds, especially cats.  It’s why I have undertaken feral cat removal.

Let’s be clear, feral cats are not strays.  They are not sweet domestic cats that have lost their way.  They are wild animals, wild cats, that have learned to take advantage of living near humans.  But, they need to be taken care of just like any other wild animal.

So, I set up a feeding station on my large property.  I live in a normal rural neighborhood, in the outskirts of a large city, and we have a lot of feral cats in the area.  I just flip a big plastic bin over on its side and set some water and cat food dishes inside.  Then, I set up a small camera to record the cats that come for shelter and food.  I keep track of the cats and which times they come to feed.  That’s when we set up feral cat traps.

The feral cats are removed from off of my property and taken to the local shelter, where they receive medical treatment and are spayed or neutered.  The people at the shelter know me and help me in my feral cat removal efforts.  After they determine the cats are indeed wild, and do not belong to anyone, they get fixed.  The shelter in my area allows them to be released afterwards, which means I get to enjoy watching them.  But, I know they won’t be breeding and creating an even bigger feral cat problem in my neighborhood.

I keep the camera out by the feeding station, and keep track of the animals that come to feed.  I’ve named all of the feral cats I’ve had removed and fixed, and they often bring other cats to the feeding station.  Those feral cats get removed, receive medical treatment, and are also fixed.

It’s to be expected that other wild animals are also attracted to the feeding station.  With my camera, I’ve caught skunks, raccoons and opossums who took advantage of my hospitality.  I have traps set for those wild animals, too.

My goal is not to attract more wildlife to my neighborhood, but to remove the feral cats long enough to be treated correctly.  Not all of my neighbors are happy with my efforts, but I’m hoping they’ll all notice a serious decline in the feral cat population around here.  Then, maybe they’ll understand that feral cat removal can be handled in a humane and successful way.

Snakes

Snake Removal

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Snake removal?  I thought I was just playing with the best cat toy in the world!  The day started off mundane enough.  I slept for a long time while the family got up and ran around taking care of all of their business throughout the morning.  Then, after I’d napped for a bit, I stretched, jumped down off my cat perch, and sauntered over to the bowls of cat food and water that the family keeps filled up for me.  I ate my fill, and made one of the children open the door to let me out so I could take care of my own business outside.  When I was coming back in, though, I spied the best cat toy in the entire world on the stone walkway leading towards the backdoor.  There, basking in the warm late-morning sun, was a long snake.  All thoughts of afternoon naps flew out of my head as I crouched down and prepared for my first strike.  I have to admit, I wasn’t thinking of snake removal, just of the hunt and play that lay before me.

It didn’t realize I was even there at first.  I think it was in a stupor, enjoying the feel of the sun-warmed stone walkway.  It was almost too easy, so I took a quick swipe at it.  All I wanted to do at first was get it moving, so I could play.  It moved, all right!  Every single muscle in its thick snake body was writhing and twisting.  That snake bounced from the far side of the walkway to the wall on the other side and back again before I took another jab at it.

My second jab sent it into a further frenzy, as it desperately tried to get away.  Now, it was getting interesting.  Once it realized I wasn’t going away and there was no easy escape, it tried to strike back, coming right at my face with its fangs.  I’m a cat, so I easily avoided the attack, leaping straight up in the air and flipping over backwards.  It twisted around and struck again, getting only a mouth-full of air.  This was fun!

In the midst of this play, I noticed my family out of the corner of my eye.  They’d come out to watch the event.  I worried at first that they’d be upset and try to chase me off, or get rid of the snake.  But, instead, they just watched with their camera.  They must have thought I was the best snake removal tool in their arsenal.  I am, but first I must play.

Turning my full attention back to the snake, I noticed it had made its way back to the wall and was climbing it pretty quickly.  It must have assumed it would be safe once it reached a certain distance.  True, but I didn’t intend on it making it that far.  Leaping up, I batted it back down, and it tried to bite me again as it fell.

I took a breath and circled once more, as it coiled itself up tightly into a little snake ball.  It had realized its efforts at escaping and attacking were both futile.  But, an immobile ball of snake is no fun.  And, snake removal is so much more fun when I get to toy with it for a long time.  But, it was not to be.  Before I knew it, my family shooed me off and got rid of the snake without my help.  Well, there’s always next time.

Voles

Vole Removal

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vole removal

Most people don’t think about vole removal in the middle of the winter, but let me tell you, it’s one of the best times to think about it, at least for us raccoons.  Let’s face it, you take too much care of your yard, and voles spend the winter destroying your hard work.  You don’t know it, but we’re watching during the beautiful, warm months as you sweat in the sun, pruning, cutting, raking, and destroying vole homes, holes and tunnels.  Personally, as a raccoon, I can’t understand why you would waste so much time.  If you just let the grass grow up longer, or left that pile of leaves and sticks alone, you’d have a thriving vole population.  Mmmmm, juicy, crunchy little voles.  Admittedly, I love to hang around the places that have lots of voles.  Easy pickings and easy meals.  But, it gets kind of crowded at those places, and when the skunks move in, it’s time to find someplace else.

Which is why I’m here.  You think you’ve done everything you could do to get your lawn ready for the winter.  But, when the snow comes, and lays down a blanket over your nicely cropped and hibernating grass, the voles come out to eat and play.  They make little tunnels that stay warm enough for their tiny little yummy bodies, and then they chomp through grass or dig tunnels just underground and munch on those flower bulbs you took so much time to plant.  You think you’re getting tulips and daffodils in the spring?  Think again.  I can tell you right now there’s enough voles hanging out in that layer between the snow and your yard that you’ll be lucky to get a flower or two to pop up.

And those voles think they’re so safe, because you’re not doing anything about vole removal.  They think they’re safe because we raccoons can’t see them as easily when they tunnel under the snow.  You won’t know they wintered at your place until the snow melts and you’re left with a yard full of trails of dead grass.  But, I still have ears, don’t I?  I can still hear them under the snow, rattling against a dead leaf your rake didn’t pick up or using their tiny paws to rustle through the grass.  It might be a little bit of work for me to pinpoint exactly where the vole is tunneling, but if I pay close enough attention and listen carefully enough, with enough patience, I can usually pounce on them.  My paws will grab them and I’ll snap them up, and you’ll have your vole removal done for you.

I don’t even charge anything.  Well, room and board, but what’s that for a raccoon?  I just need a place to hole up.  Maybe a warm place for me to have little raccoon babies in the spring.  And, when the vole removal’s all done, then I might be able to help myself to your garbage or pet’s food.  You won’t mind, will you?

Porcupines

Porcupine Removal

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My son called the incident many things, including porcupine removal, a science experiment, a learning experience, and doing me a favor.  I called it “being stupid.”  I love my son.  He’s fourteen, adventurous, intelligent (usually), outgoing, and . . . did I mention adventurous?

It started when my husband and I noticed some of our wooden-handled tools had been chewed, along with some other items we keep in our storage shed.  In fact, one of the walls of the shed had been chewed down.  We also found some shallow holes dug throughout our back yard, and one of our trees had claw marks on the trunk and some of the bark had been pulled away.  We didn’t know what to think, until my husband heard something in the middle of the night, and walked outside to find a large porcupine waddling around.  He told us about the culprit over breakfast the next morning.

My son was thrilled.  My husband was not.  My husband called a porcupine removal service, which promised to send out a technician later that afternoon.  I looked at my son’s face and realized he was sorely disappointed he wouldn’t get a chance to see this porcupine up close.

But, when he and his friend got home from school that day, they hunted around the backyard looking for any signs of the animal while I was still at work.  They not only found signs, they found the animal itself.  The porcupine was resting in a shallow hole underneath the wooden deck stairs, and it was not happy to be disturbed by a couple of overanxious teenage boys.

My son and his friend decided to “do me a favor” and do “porcupine removal” themselves.  In truth, they really wanted to watch the animal in action and see what it would do.  So, they scared it up out of its hiding place and followed its wobbly walk all over the yard, preventing its escape when it headed for the back fence.  Finally, the boys got to see what they really wanted to see.  The porcupine quills all stuck out, and the animal turned around so its hind quarters were facing its predators, almost daring them to attack.

My son reached out his tennis-shoe clad foot and prodded at the porcupine’s tail.  The tail twitched out of the way, but the animal stood its ground.  My son got a little braver, and his foot actually touched the porcupine’s rump.  Sure enough, a few quills stuck into the rubber sole, much to my son’s delight!  Now, he could study these quills up close.

The boys retreated slightly to look closer at the quills embedded in the shoe, and the porcupine turned its head around to check to see if they were still there.  Sure enough, my son and his friend were still there, but they were so intent on pulling the quills out of the shoe that they didn’t see the porcupine run towards the fence until it was too late.  It was gone.  Technically, porcupine removal and my son’s science experience had been successful, but I was just grateful there was no damage to the boys other than to the shoe.

Mice

Mouse Removal

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how to get rid of mice

Some people just aren’t satisfied with television, music, internet or books – they have to turn to mouse removal tricks for their entertainment.

I’m an excellent babysitter, and there are several families in my neighborhood who consider me the best.  I know I’m bragging, but I’m really proud of the way their kids get excited when I come over to babysit them.  And, the parents know they can count on me to enforce their rules and help their kids have a good time while they’re out.

It’s safe to say I have a pretty great relationship with these families.  So, it was no big surprise when Mrs. Devreaux wanted me to look at some video that she took when I arrived a few minutes early to watch her two cute kids for the evening.  I obliged and followed her to the laptop in the kitchen.  I have to say, I was a little shocked when I saw the video was of her attempts at mouse removal.  I had no idea she had mice in her house, and now I was pretty creeped out at the thought of staying there for the next several hours, especially when she told me she’d been unsuccessful.

I watched the video, biting my tongue to keep from screeching.  She’d set up pieces of cheese and muffins on empty tissue boxes right next to the couch I usually slept on after the kids had gone to bed.  A little mouse popped out from under the couch, sniffing around the feast she’d offered it, and then helped itself.  After it had gorged on the easy pickings, it sniffed around the pieces of cheese tied up in twine, attached to the tissue boxes.  It was completely unaware of the fact that Mrs. Devreaux had meant it to be a mouse trap, her effort at mouse removal.

I watched, horrified, as the mouse pulled on the twine, eating the cheese, and tissue box after tissue box fell on top of it.  Each time, the mouse escaped, easily avoiding the empty cardboard boxes.  It polished off the meal and disappeared back under the couch.

Mrs. Devreaux stopped the video and looked up at me.  “Isn’t it the cutest thing?” she asked.

My throat was dry as I tried to figure out what to say.  “Did you ever catch it?”

“Oh, no!  It’s still running around, cute as can be.  It’s a smart little thing, too.  Oh, it just loves my laundry room!  I guess the dryer keeps it warm, and sometimes I think it sleeps in my dirty clothes.  I found a little hole it chewed in my favorite jeans.  I just don’t have the heart to get rid of the mouse.”

“Uh, huh,” I responded, just as the kids came running into the kitchen, grabbing onto my legs and yelling about what games they wanted to play with me.  I determined right then and there that all our games would be outside until bedtime.  I could only hope Mrs. Devreaux would come home soon after that.  My ankles itched as I wondered if a mouse would jump out at me at all.  I definitely would not be babysitting here again until Mrs. Devreaux got a mouse removal service out here to get rid of that thing properly!

Bees

Honeybee Removal

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get rid of bees

How do you tell your neighbor they need honeybee removal or you won’t let your kids come over and play?  I’m just amazed that they haven’t done it already.  What, do they think having a honeybee colony living right under the soffit above the front door is a good idea?

“Mom, can I go to Jackson’s house?”  I dreaded my son Rick’s question.  I like Jackson, I like his whole family.  His mom and I have worked together at PTA events and had a great time, and we’ve had Jackson and his little sister over to our house several times.  Unfortunately, Jackson’s parents have had some rip-roaring fights that have gotten extremely vocal in the quiet evenings of our neighborhood.  It means other parents have been reluctant to let their children play at his house, and that has hurt Jackson’s feelings on more than one occasion.

I don’t want to hurt Jackson’s feelings any more than fighting parents and difficult neighbors have already hurt him.  But, my son is highly allergic to bee stings.  It’s bad enough the bees swarm the neighborhood, now that they’ve got an active hive right over Jackson’s front door.  I’m so worried to let Rick go over there, where there are more bees than in our yard.  Some of those honeybees have to have gotten inside from time to time, so even if I tell my son to stay inside, he’s still not safe.  If only they’d gotten honeybee removal done, it wouldn’t be an issue.

And, now I’m stuck with the agonizing choice of either confronting Jackson’s parents about honeybee removal, or telling Rick he can’t go over there to play anymore.  I could explain to my son’s friend why I can’t let Rick go to his house, but I’m afraid Jackson will see it as yet one more person who somehow thinks their son will be “contaminated” by being his friend.  No ten year-old should ever have to deal with that.

“Why don’t you ask Jackson to come over here today?  I’ll make cheese sticks and pizza poppers.”

“No, Mom!  I want to go to Jackson’s house.  He just got a new Xbox game he says is so awesome, and I really wanna play it.  Plus, he wants to show me how his wall makes this cool noise.”

Ugh.  The wall noise has got to be the honeybees in the wall.

“Rick, you know you’re allergic to bees.  You could end up going to the hospital if you get stung.”

“I’ll be really careful, Mom, I promise.”

I really wanted to give in, so I did, but I went with him, armed with the phone number for a great honeybee removal service to give to Jackson’s mom.  I had to be extremely diplomatic, for fear she would take it personally or think I was too nosey.  Instead, she was thrilled and thanked me.  Then, I showed her how to use the bee sting medication if Rick should get stung.  Then, I walked home praying nothing would happen while my son was playing Xbox.

Rabbits

Rabbit Removal

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rabbit removal

It started out all adorable and sweet, and now I’m stuck with some serious rabbit removal problems.

It was early spring, the yard was greening up, we were planning an excellent fishing trip up to the reservoir, and we’d already had our first barbeque of the season.  I was working in the yard when I saw these adorable baby bunnies tucked away in a shallow burrow in the grass.  I couldn’t believe how gorgeous they were.  The mother rabbit was right there, but I bent down and tapped my hand down on the ground in front of the burrow.  Almost immediately, a tiny grey and white bunny came right up out of the hole and into my hand.  It’s supposed to be a wild animal, but it had no fear of me at all.  It just wriggled around in my hand, and then fixed me with an almost serious stare with those enormous black eyes.  I lowered it back to the ground, and it waddled back into its burrow with its siblings and mother, little white fluff of a tail wiggling as it did so.

Now, it’s the end of summer.  We’ve gone on lots of fishing trips and hosted lot of backyard barbeques.  And, I am dealing with rabbit removal like you would not believe.  What started out as one tiny little adorable rabbit wriggling around in my hand has ended up as a nightmare.  I’m terrified of mowing the lawn, because little baby rabbits are tucked away in shallow burrows all over the grass.  I look over my yard and see dead brown spots scarring the greenness of the grass, places where adult rabbits have scratched down into the sod to have their babies, again and again.  My vegetable garden is a complete mess.  My wife’s flower garden is a disaster.

I just wish I’d done rabbit removal with that very first rabbit burrow I found instead of ooohing and aaaahing over a cute little baby bunny with big black eyes.  Now I feel like that tiny rabbit was warning me of the disaster to come.  My neighbors are complaining that we’re being overrun with rabbits, and we suddenly have more feral cats and raccoon problems than we’ve ever had in this area before.  They must be attracted by the sudden boom in rabbit population.  Of course, that means we’re all worried about our own pets now, worrying about rabies, mites or any other nasties that they can get from wild animals.

Something must be done, and I just hope it’s not too late to get a professional rabbit removal service in here to get rid of the rabbits.  I don’t care if they’re cute and sweet or old and mean.  They’ve all got to go!

Opossums

Opossum Removal

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I’m a fair-minded landlord, so I wasn’t too harsh on the animals when I had to conduct opossum removal.  I remodeled the large vacant home I bought into four separate apartments, and had no problem renting them out once the remodeling work was complete and all the permits and licenses came through.  The place is a good location, not far from a mass transit station and within walking distance to a shopping center.  But, I managed to keep the private, inviting feel of an old home.  It was easy to get tenants quickly.

I live in the upper-most apartment, so no other tenants were aware of the scrabbling, rustling noises coming from the empty attic just above my head.  I assumed it was an animal or bird that had gotten lost in there and would find its way back out the next morning, but the noise persisted over the next couple of days.  Finally, I felt I had to do something.  I crawled up there one morning and poked around, my nose wrinkling at the nastiest smelling animal droppings I’d ever had the displeasure of seeing or smelling.  Then, over in the far corner, I spotted the two animals, and knew the time had come for opossum removal.

I called a professional opossum removal service, and they quickly came out.  But, I was adamant.  I didn’t want them to take the opossums away.  I wanted to relocate them under the pergola in the yard.  I thought they were sweet and cute, even as they bared teeth at the opossum trapper.  He looked at me kind of funny, but obliged.

I didn’t tell the guy who did the opossum removal that I had a problem with voles on the property.  It may have been what attracted the opossums in the first place. My tenants didn’t spend any time in the yard, since there was a nice park nearby, so they weren’t aware of the vole holes and tunnels in the yard.  I’d tried to trap the voles myself, but it felt like there were three or four more for every one I caught.

So, I thought, if I had to have opossums removed out of the attic, I might relocate them into a safe place in the yard.  That way, they could hunt down and feast on the troublesome voles as long as they stayed out of the attic and didn’t keep me awake at night.

It kind of worked for a time.  There were several times, though, that I had to go out early and pick up the garbage cans they’d knocked over and rooted through.  Then, there was the night that I heard hissing and growling.  It’s possible they had a run-in with one of the local cats.  But, the vole population started to decline, so I thought I was brilliant for removing opossums out of the attic and relocating them under the pergola.  One night, however, one of my tenants had decided the pergola was a perfect, romantic place to take his girlfriend.  His girlfriend screamed nice and loud when they startled the two opossums, and soon everyone was aware of our backyard vole-eaters.  This time, I had to have opossum removal done for good.  They were taken off the property, never to be seen again.  I had the same service get rid of the voles, too, while I was at it.