Gophers in Yard


Brent worked really hard to come across as a real manly man, sometimes a little too hard, and sometimes not hard enough.  He was, unfortunately, one of those guys who just wasn’t comfortable as himself, in his own skin, so he thought he had to be like a character from some television show in order for people to respect him.  He went for the bad boy biker look, which was a bad choice for him.

He wore faded jeans and a black t-shirt with holes in it, but everything was extremely clean and had a Febreeze smell to it.  He grew a long beard, but trimmed it so carefully into its shape that it was just a facial contradiction.  And the dark black sunglasses he wore everywhere, even indoors, cost him all of two dollars at a gas station somewhere.  His home was full of porcelain knick knacks that he couldn’t bear to throw out after his mother passed away, and a collection of lunch boxes from the seventies and eighties.

So, when the nuisance wildlife control professional showed up at his door to get rid of the gophers in his yard, he was more than confused.  At first glance, this stringy thirty-five year old who answered the door seemed like he wasn’t the kind to seek out a professional to get rid of gophers.  He looked like he was the kind of loud, beer-guzzling jerk who would pull out a high powered rifle, aim it at any critters crossing his yard, and yee-haw his way into the hospital.  But, as soon as Brent started explaining the problem he had with gophers, it was a whole new matter.

“See, man,” Brent started, “Look over there, man, and you’ll see, like, five different holes, right there in the dirt.”

Indeed, there were five holes with all the tell-tale signs of gopher activity.

Continuing in a voice that cracked occasionally, Brent said, “And, look, man, see I don’t want to get all girly, but those gophers are creepy looking.  I saw one of ‘em come right out of the hole, right when I was standin’ there.  And, it just looked at me, like it was daring me to do something.  I think I saw something like that out of an aliens movie once, ya know, man?  And, like, they’re just under our feet, right, just breathing and eating and doing, doing, like, gopher stuff, man.  Plus, I’ve tripped like eight times when I try to mow the lawn, and I think I pulled something.  It’s just bad, just nasty, am I right?”

As soon as Brent saw the gentleman from the wildlife control company unload his equipment from his truck, he knew he’d be safe.  He adjusted his dark glasses, pulled on his beard, and sauntered back into his home.  It was time to dust Mom’s old knick-knacks.

Pigeon in Kitchen


Megan posted on her Facebook status, “We’re officially adults!”  Her boyfriend Josh tweeted, “Megan’s stuck with me for at least one more year.  Muhahahahaha!”  They had just signed a lease together on an apartment two months after finishing college.  Despite the terrifying job market, they had both managed to find jobs after graduation, neither of which was in their chosen field of study.  But, hey, all their employers cared about was that they were college grads and were willing (or gullible) enough to take a job at much lower pay rate than most of the other applicants.

Megan and Josh were just thrilled to be getting paychecks, enough to at least find a new place together.  They’d dated throughout most of college, had talked about moving in together, and now it was a reality.

Moving day was fun, once friends actually showed up to help them.  Most of their friends texted, “I’d love to help, but . . .”  The ones who came through for them were rewarded in pizza and whatever odds and ends the couple now owned in duplicate.  The friend with a truck got Megan’s old Blue-Ray player.

Once the ugly, ancient, stained, hand-me-down furniture was in place, and the rest of their belongings were stacked in boxes around the two-room apartment, an impromptu party began and then petered off an hour later.  Everyone was tired and had other things to do, and hoped that Megan and Josh would return the favor when it was their time to move.

The young couple looked around at the cardboard jungle surrounding them and decided it would be tomorrow’s battle.  They’d done it.  They’d moved in together, they had their own place with just the two of them.  Frankly, being “officially adults,” was taking its toll.  They needed a little time out.  Laughing, giddy, they showered and retired to bed, slightly drunk on beer and novelty.

The next morning, they woke up to a neighbor screaming out the window at her son.  A car horn blared.  Somewhere in their apartment a faucet was dripping.  They were some of the sweetest sounds they’d ever heard.

Megan got up, smiling, and promised Josh some coffee.  He grinned and said something about how she didn’t need to wear a bathrobe around their apartment, it wasn’t like she was going to offend him.

Two seconds passed before Megan backed into the tiny bedroom.  “Pigeon in the kitchen,” she whispered.


“There is a pigeon in the kitchen,” she repeated, slowly and only slightly louder.

“How would a pigeon get in the kitchen??”

“I don’t know, don’t care.  Get rid of it.  Get rid of the pigeon!”

He stepped outside the room and glared at the pigeon, who sat nonchalantly on top of a small stack of moving boxes marked “kitchen.”

Then the pigeon flew right at them.  They didn’t have time to scream or grunt – they turned tail and slammed the cheap bedroom door.  They could hear flapping and cooing.

After a flurry of activity, they finally found one of their cell phones, and called the super, who informed them he was not responsible for their pigeon problem.  “Wait, pigeon problem?” Josh asked him.  “You mean, this happens a lot and you’re just telling us now?”

After a little bargaining, and a threat to call Megan’s father, who is an attorney, the super agreed he should call Allstate Animal Control to get rid of the pigeons.

Megan looked at Josh wryly as he hung up.  “Officially adults, but we still need to drop Daddy’s name, huh?”  They decided to keep that part of their story just between the two of them.

Squirrel Infestation

get rid of squirrels

One or two squirrels in the attic or chimney?  Sure, that’s a problem.  People try to catch them or chase them out on their own, and end up screeching and running with their arms doing the windmill thing when the squirrel understandably freaks out and tries to get away from these huge screaming humans.  Even worse are the times people don’t even know there’s a squirrel or two in their house or building until it’s too late.  The squirrel’s already nested in amongst their holiday decorations, or chewed through the cardboard box that held little Jimmy’s baby clothes, or gnawed through the wiring and almost caused a fire.

Yeah, one or two squirrels are bad enough.

Try forty or fifty.  That’s a downright squirrel infestation.  Can you imagine what kind of damage that many squirrels will do to your property?  Usually, the ground-dwelling squirrels live in colonies that large.  The tree-dwelling squirrels are a little more solitary.  But, the ground-dwelling ones cause just as much damage.  They’ll burrow throughout the lawn, chew on anything they can find (try garden hoses, sprinkler systems, planters, etc.), and eat their way through gardens and flower beds.  They’ll get into the house or other outbuildings and keep their teeth the right size by gnawing through walls, wiring, boxes and belongings.  Imagine nests of blind baby squirrels wriggling around in the walls, crawlspace or basement.  Imagine pulling out a box of old family pictures and dumping out mounds of rotting nuts.  Imagine the stench of several squirrels, dead in the wall behind your bedroom, kitchen or living room.

Many people don’t have to imagine it.  They’re living with the frustration right now.  Squirrels can infest apartments, condos, mobile homes, golf courses, houses owned by multi-millionaires, businesses, warehouses, barns.  They’re adorable and fun to watch, no doubt.  Watching them play outside in their natural habitat is one thing.  Dealing with the stench, the noise, the damage, the nuisance . . . well, that’s something else.

Now, a lot of people figure they can handle a squirrel infestation themselves.  They go on-line and study up and think they’re experts.  We get a lot of calls from people who have learned the hard way that they just don’t understand how to get rid of squirrels for good.  They either don’t get them all, or end up sealing some inside to die in the walls or chimney or attic, or they just get overwhelmed with frustration.  We understand.  That’s why we’re here.  We’re equipped with experience and knowledge to seek them out and seal them out of your property, we can clean and repair the messes and damage, and we have the equipment and expertise to take care of your squirrel infestation once and for all.  It’s what we do, and we’re good at it.  Call Allstate Animal Control today.