Get Rid of Skunks

February 18, 2011 admin Leave a comment

Thinking of ways of how to get rid of a skunk is just not something you want to do while running at five-thirty in the morning. But, in my neighborhood, you’d better give it a little bit of thought, for your own safety.

Around the end of April, my scale and an upcoming trip to the beach reminded me of my New Years Resolution to get fit and trim down. I spent a lot of time calculating how many calories I needed to burn each day to make my beach trip something more than a Mumu-fest. I invested in a great pair of running shoes, planned out a route, got a lot of great tips online, and decided which the day I would begin my valiant efforts to get fit. I figured the best time to get running into my schedule was to go early in the morning before the kids woke up. So, I also bought a small light to wear on my hip, to alert the few possible drivers of my presence. A crash diet was possibly in order, but having a car crash into me wasn’t.

I went to sleep early and excited about my new routine, and woke up angry at the vicious alarm clock and moaning about the indecency of running while it was still dark outside.

But, I did it. I started my routine, and after about a week and a half, it got a lot easier. I didn’t moan as loudly when I woke up, and I finally stopped swearing at the alarm clock. My breathing was getting easier and I was almost able to run a full mile without stopping. And, if I was truly honest with myself, I enjoyed running while it was still dark outside. I felt so virtuous, thinking of myself as a “hard core” runner, alone and free out there in the dim pre-dawn. It was the only quiet time I had each day, and I was beginning to actually enjoy it.

I heard a sound, and then the light on my hip caught a flash of something moving just ahead of me. I couldn’t make out quite what it was, but it was large enough to make me stop. Adrenaline pumping, I tried to calm my breathing and squinted, grabbing at the small light. It moved again. A cat? Noooo, what is . . .? Then my mind finally put it together. Skunk!!! Rooting around in someone’s garbage. Long nose, bushy tail, and of course the white stripes on black fur. If I hadn’t stopped, I would have run right next to it, probably startling it enough to spray me.

I backed up slowly and eased over to the other side of the road, warily watching the black shape moving around. As long as it didn’t turn its tail towards me, I was okay, right? Unless it was rabid? No, probably not rabid or it would have charged me by now. Right? Maybe? How many days had I run right by it? Where was it living? How do I get rid of a skunk in my neighborhood? My stomach churned, thinking of how I might have been sprayed before I even knew there was a skunk in the road.

Swallows

Get Rid of Swallows

February 17, 2011 admin Leave a comment

We’d been trying to get rid of swallows over the last couple of weeks. They were trying to build their nest right above our front door, and the mess was terrible. Bird droppings and bits of mud just littered our door step. So, we’d knock it down before they finished building the nest and sweep it away, just to have them come right back and start again the next day. It was irritating, but we just had to be vigilant and get rid of the swallows’ nest every day before they finished.

Then one day, I went into my laundry room to transfer the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer, and I was startled by hearing this rustling sound. I have no pets or children, so the sound was unnerving. Again, this scratching, scrabbling sound, a rustle, and then quiet. Just gave me the creeps, especially since I was alone in the house, but I had to find out what was making that noise.

I listened again, and figured out the sound was coming from behind the dryer. I grabbed a broom, but really had no idea what I would do when I came face to face with whatever was making that noise. I took a deep breath, wondering if I should wait until my husband came home. “No, I’m a big girl and can handle this, whatever this is,” I told myself. Crawling around the dryer, I squished myself into the small space between the wall and the appliance, scared something would come running out at me.

But, nothing did. And then I saw the strangest thing. The dryer vent jumped. I cracked my head on the shelf overhanging the dryer in my shock, and then composed myself again. At least whatever it was, it was contained within the dryer vent. Oh, crap! It jumped again!

Okay, enough was enough. I tossed the broom out of the room, and prepared to grab the dryer vent out of the wall and the dryer simultaneously. Whatever it was, it was going to have to leave, and now. Counting to three . . . then to five . . . then to ten, I finally jerked the vent hose free of both connections and held the ends together, the silvery hose forming a circle. The bottom of the circle jumped and bounced, hitting my shins, but I kept the ends firmly together and marched out of that laundry room, up the stairs, and, realized I needed at least one hand to open the front door. I maneuvered an elbow to undo the deadbolt, and then, with my two pinky fingers, managed somehow to open the door.

I took two steps out onto the porch and threw the entire silvery hose out into the front lawn, watching in suspense to see what would come out. To my surprise, two swallows flew out of the hose and up into the tree, angry and terrified. I hadn’t expected birds, and I didn’t expect them to be the very same birds trying to build a nest on our front porch. Well, I was determined to get rid of swallows one way or another, and I guess they were just as determined to use my house, one way or another.

Squirrels

Get Rid of Squirrels

February 16, 2011 admin Leave a comment

Times are tough enough without me having to get rid of squirrels from our attic. My company made me cut back on my hours so that I’m home more and make less, but hey, at least I still have a job, you know? So, I’m home, and I’m working on the computer looking for some extra work to fill in the gaps, when I hear this noise overhead, coming from the attic.

I try to ignore it for a while and make a couple of phone calls. But, after a while, the rustling, the running, the pitter-pat just drives me crazy. I stand on my chair and pound on the wall. It’s quiet for maybe ten seconds, but then starts up again. I bring in my dog who barks at the ceiling, but the squirrels don’t even care.

Finally, I crawl on up there, and wouldn’t you know it? There’s squirrel mess everywhere. They’ve even gnawed up some of the wood up there, and left a scattering of their droppings. It could be worse, I guess, it could be something really filthy like mice or something, but squirrels are bad enough.

I go outside to see where the squirrels are getting in, and finally find a couple of holes right up under the eaves. That’s gotta be it. So, I make a trip to the hardware store, figuring I’ll just plug up the holes, clean up the mess, and that’ll be that. Good thing I got to talking to the guy there. He told me I could plug up the holes, but if the squirrels had babies in there, I’d just get a worse problem. If I make it so mama squirrel can’t get back in to her babies after a long day of foraging for food, she’d do anything to get in there. She’ll tear through the stucco and wood and make an even worse mess for me to repair.

So now what? I’ve got to wait for the babies to grow up and leave the nest? How long would that take, and why should I have to deal with listening to the annoying rustling sounds above my head, knowing some wild creature and her babies are up there? Plus, we store stuff up there, and I don’t want them rummaging around in my stuff. No, it’s time to get rid of squirrels and now!

I consider myself a do-it-yourself kind of guy, but this was all kind of new to me. What do I do? Poison? Set a trap? What’s legal and what’s not? I have no idea. It’s not like they teach you this kind of thing in high school shop class. It’s just not worth the hassle, I think. It’s definitely time to call a professional. Once they get rid of the squirrels, I can plug up those holes and that’ll be that. Maybe I can learn how to do it right, and find a job with the pest control service? Who knows, these squirrels might be a blessing in disguise.

Voles

Get Rid of Voles

February 15, 2011 admin Leave a comment

Ring! Ring!

Lizzie: Hi, this is Lizzie. We get rid of voles, moles and gophers in holes! How may I help you?

Caller: I’m desperate. I’ve had my house on the market for a long time now, and I’ve even dropped the price. It’s a really great house, and a lot of people are interested, but they want me to lower the price even more because of the yard. I just can’t afford to lose any money.

Lizzie: I’m happy you called. Let’s see how we can help you. You say there’s a problem with the yard? What’s going on?

Caller: There’s these dead spots all over the front and back yard. Well, they’re not really dead spots, they’re more like dead trails. Trails of dead grass all over the front yard and the back yard. And, some of our really nice fruit trees are dying.

Lizzie: Uh, huh. And, are there big piles of dirt everywhere?

Caller: Not really, no. It’s just these big, snaky trails all over. Looks like a road map out there.

Lizzie: Have you seen large holes?

Caller: Well, we’ve seen a couple of smallish holes. Like, about the size of a quarter, or like someone shoved a broomstick at an angle into the ground.

Lizzie: Sounds to me like you need our help to get rid of voles.

Caller: Voles? Aren’t those kind of like mice? We have a nice house here, not a dirty . . .

Lizzie: I’m sure your house is absolutely lovely! Voles are a little bit like mice, but they generally don’t get into your home. They like to stay in a yard that has a lot of tall grass or dense shrubbery. Places for them to hide.

Caller: Tall grass? That explains it, I guess. We had a lot of things going on, and I didn’t really mow the lawn down that much before the first big snow fall. It was kind of long, but I didn’t think there’d be any problem.

Lizzie: They really do prefer the taller grasses, because they can tunnel around, stay warm, and stay out of sight of their natural predators. They’ll burrow around in the grass under the snow, and chew through roots and eat bulbs if you’ve planted any. They may also be responsible for your fruit trees dying. Are there rings of bark missing around the base?

Caller: Dang it all, yes! Can you do anything? I just have to sell this house! We’re moving in a month and it’s got to be gone before then!

Lizzie: We can certainly get rid of the voles, to prevent them from damaging your yard any further. May I suggest a couple of good landscapers to repair the damage they’ve already caused?

Caller: That’d be great. How soon can you all get out here?

Rats

Get Rid of Rats

February 14, 2011 admin Leave a comment

“In an effort to get rid of rats in the dormitories, we require all students’ food be kept in the kitchens. The kitchens will remain open at all times to allow you access to your food.”

The sign was posted on both ends of every floor of the dorms. “Dude, you can’t let L’il Debbie stay the night anymore,” Mark joked, pointing at Clayton’s stash of snack cakes.

“I’m so gonna miss her,” Clayton said, some chocolate crumbs still sticking on the corner his lips. He wasn’t a small guy.

“So, seriously, why can’t we keep food in our rooms anymore? They say they’re going to check us to make sure we don’t have anything.” Mark was kind of annoyed about it, really. Finals were coming and he was facing a few all-nighters. He really hadn’t attended all his classes as much as he should have, but had to have good grades to keep his scholarship. He was hoping caffeine-laced soda and sugary snacks would magically keep him alert enough to cram as much information into his brain as possible.

“I bet one of the girls saw a tiny little mouse outside in the garden and blew it all out of proportion,” Nick said. His girlfriend had just broken up with him, so he didn’t have a real high opinion of the ladies at the moment.

But, the boys all complied with the order to help get rid of rats by taking all their food out of their dorm rooms and into the communal kitchen.

That night, Mark needed some brain-aid food, so he made his way down to the kitchen, where he ran into Nick and Clayton and a couple of the girls. He said “hi” and listened to their conversation as he reached into the cabinet to pull out some snacks. Something furry brushed his hand.

“What the AAAAAAAA!” he screamed. Everyone jumped and stared at him. “There’s something in there!” He kept shaking his hand as if it would help him forget the feeling of that coarse hair on his skin.

Everyone jumped up and crowded around the cabinet. “That’s rat poop all over there, dude. It’s all over the food.” One of the girls groaned and ran over to the sink to spit out whatever she’d been eating, washing her mouth out as much as she could. “I’m gonna be sick,” said the other girl.

Clayton grabbed up his phone. “Put the phone in there, I’m filming. Let’s see if we can get it on camera.” Nick was a little less squeamish than the others, so he took the phone and maneuvered it into the cabinet. Sure enough, there it was. A small rat. But, it made them wonder if there were more.

Mark said, “Sooo, we got rid of rats from the dorms and now they’re in the kitchen? I think I’d rather have rats in the dorms!”

Moles

Get Rid of Moles

February 13, 2011 admin Leave a comment

Moles Speak Out Against Current Media Portrayal

Moles in Hollywood are picketing production houses and animation studios in an effort to alter the public’s perception of them. While they are aware that more people will want to get rid of moles if they are successful, they say it will be worth it.

“Most everyone thinks we’re just blind, soft, cute and dumb, but there’s so much more to us. We’re not totally blind or dumb,” one mole organizer explained.

Their letter to one animation studio cited old and recent movies, claiming the cartoons make them into “caricatures, either as terrible pests or as single-minded, blind but cute beasts.”

“Why can’t they see that moles are people, too?” one picketer with particularly soft fur said.

In response, the public relations manager for the animation studio came out with this statement: “While many humans define moles as “odd looking”, they are also cute.

We see that as a good thing, and we use this to our best advantage in our cartoons. We cannot be held responsible if they have soft fur and adorable little noses.”

Another production house whose recent film vilified the rodent took an opposite stance. “Moles do a lot more damage than we actually showed in our movie. They cost homeowners a lot of money when they kill off the grass or plants, and their ridges of dirt are unsightly and make lawn care difficult.”

Picket organizers admit they had a difficult time getting moles to join them, since they are not extremely social creatures. “We just felt it was worth the effort, because we have so many great qualities humans are missing. For example, we have twice as much blood as other creatures our size, which helps us to breathe better underground where we have low oxygen and high carbon dioxide. Where is that information in the movies?”

Some moles from a nearby subdivision are speaking out against the L.A. protest. They seem to fear reprisals, greater efforts to get rid of moles. One mole, who wishes to remain anonymous, said: “We have a hard enough time as it is, without these big city moles bringing all this attention to us. They want to tell the truth about us? Then tell everyone we can eat up to 50 pounds of grubs every year. That’s good for your lawn, never mind the damage we might do to the rest of the yard.”

Moles do not eat vegetation, but their tunneling activities do turn the grass brown. They are excellent at tunneling. It is estimated they are able to dig their tunnels at 18 feet per hour.

Perhaps my interview with one local homeowner and his daughter says it all. “They’d be welcome to all the grubs in my yard, if only they didn’t have to dig. I’d be happy to have them here if they weren’t killing off my grass.” His daughter added, “Ooooh! They’re so cute!”

Gophers

Get Rid of Gophers

February 12, 2011 admin Leave a comment

Come along with me and I will show you the best way to get rid of gophers. Hunting gophers will make you feel like the great hunters among our ancestors, the wild creatures who tamed the untamable vermin, who chased them across alien terrains into their holes and then drug them right out of their very homes.

We emerge from the safety of the known and streak across the fields, ears flapping in the wind. Take in the smells, the joy of running as fast as your four legs can carry you, each sound and odor an adventure. Feel the grass brush your belly as you leap and jump. Howl and bark and give voice to your freedom and then give into the hunt.

Sometimes you smell them first, sometimes you hear them burrowing just under the surface, sometimes you might even see one streaking across the grass in front of you. You have already struck terror into its heart and it knows it will soon face extermination. And you, you are to be feared.

The ground feels slightly spongy. It will mean the gopher will be able to dig quickly, but so can you, and your paws are ever so much bigger. We are designed perfectly to get rid of gophers. It is our calling, our destiny. Ah! You catch a whiff and stop dead in your tracks. Ever so still, we cock our heads this way and that way to pinpoint exactly where it’s gone to ground. Our every sense is quivering, searching.

Then, POUNCE. Forepaws furiously grind through the grass, weeds and dirt. We are a blur, a flurry of digging, and yet we are frustrated it’s just not fast enough, so we even use our mouths to pull up chunks of dirt or debris in our way. It cannot escape, it will not escape. It is just a matter of who can dig faster, us or the gopher.

We have been told we have sweet, deep dark puppy eyes, but not at this moment. Our eyes are full of fury, devotion to the hunt, hard. We are wild, crazy, but it is our insane pulling at the ground that will give us success. We shall get rid of the gopher.

We hear it moving back and forth, frantic to escape, but there are two of us and it is caught in one tunnel, can only go two ways. It is between us, underground, but it knows its end is near. We have dug deep enough that our snouts can reach in, teeth and tongue straining down the tiny tunnel, desperate to get at the creature. We are so, so close. Almost there!

Ball? Wheeee! Chase the ball! Chase the ball!

Woodpeckers

Get Rid of Woodpeckers

February 11, 2011 admin Leave a comment

It is a beeeeautiful day to be alive – who on earth would want to get rid of woodpeckers? It’s sunny but not too warm, there are gentle breezes to soar upon, and lots of wonderful bugs flying and crawling everywhere. The bushes are full of gorgeous bright berries. Yes, siree, it is a marvelous day.

I stride to the end of the branch and cock my head. I’m hungry, and there are so many choices before me. I glide down to a nearby bush, grab a berry or two to swallow whole, and then get back to my tree to look for the best and most beautiful insects. My eye spots a bee, zeroing in on a house, and I watch to see where it lands. My wings spread and I swoop off my branch and onto the breeze, up, up. My feet grip the side of the house and I grab the bee up in my beak. Juicy!

Hmmmm. I move my feet around on the house and take a tentative peck. Yes, yes, that gives very nicely. I cock my head again and assess my find. First, my pecks are making delightful holes into a wall that gives way, not easily, but well enough. If I work at it, I might just get through to the other side and find a warm cozy place to nest. Second, I hear the happy sound of bees. Obviously, they’ve decided to make this house their home as well. Oh Ho! A place to make my own with its own food supply. Does it get any better than this?

Over the next few days, I breakfast on bright red berries in the morning and then snack on bees throughout the day as I make several holes in the walls, looking for a way through to the other side. My droppings are making streaks of bright red and brown down the side of the house. This is truly going to be my house.

Unfortunately, there may be other obstacles to overcome. Not everyone enjoys my percussion as I try to tap my way through to the warm attic. Somewhere in the house, a dog is barking at me as I proceed. Every now and then, someone charges out of the house yelling about how to get rid of woodpeckers, but I just fly away until they go back inside, and then I resume my work. Once I set my mind to something, I just can not let it go! Besides, with a feast of bees and this glorious wall to tap full of holes, why would I want to go anywhere else?

Once a mouse climbed up and checked out one of my bigger holes. I guess I’m not picky about my neighbors. If a family of mice wants to use a hole to get into the attic, too, I guess that would be okay. As long as they kept to themselves! This is going to be a lovely neighborhood.

Chipmunks

How to Get Rid of Chipmunks

February 10, 2011 admin Leave a comment

“Hey, Rookie, how do you get rid of chipmunks?”

“What? Is that a new thing? I don’t remember that being in our reading material.”

Allan was still in high school, but was taking some EMT classes and had signed up to do some ride-along shifts with his town’s fire department. He’d thought he’d get to wear the fire gear, ride the trucks with the other guys, and see a lot of big-time emergencies. So far, his shifts involved studying a lot, reading through manuals, helping lead school tour groups through the fire station, and being the butt of a lot of jokes. He liked the guys at the station, but they had waaaay too much time on their hands sometimes.

The captain laughed. “No, chipmunks aren’t covered in the manual, but what would you do about THIS?!” He opened up a door to one of the sleeping quarters and a little furry body blurred out of the room. Allan let out a surprised yell and jumped back. Everyone laughed as Allan realized a chipmunk had somehow gotten into the firehouse and was running around. The captain threw an empty box at him and told him to catch it. Allan looked around and realized he wasn’t the only one with an empty box.

Some of the guys took a stalking approach, trying to sneak up on the chipmunk anytime it stopped someplace. A couple of them gave up their pride and leaped and ran after it, laughing and bumping into each other and everything else in their way. Allan decided on a different approach. He grabbed a handful of nuts from the kitchen, lay them on the ground in a quiet corner, and waited for the chipmunk to come to him. Once the other guys realized what he was doing, they stopped running around, quieted down, and waited to see if it would work. Soon enough, the chipmunk smelled out the food and stopped to investigate just long enough for Allan to drop his empty box over the top of it.

He couldn’t hide his grin as he paraded the box outside and let the chipmunk go, to the applause of all the guys on duty at the station. It was a great moment, even if it wasn’t saving someone from a burning building. The captain let him have his moment and then ordered, “Okay, everyone, we gotta figure out how it got in the building. Chipmunks can leave lots of little entry holes so they can get in and out, and other animals like to use those same holes. I don’t want to step on a snake or mouse in the middle of the night!”

Allan realized that emergency response teams had to know how to deal with all kinds of emergencies, even if it’s just how to get rid of chipmunks in the firehouse.

Gophers

How to Get Rid of Gophers

February 9, 2011 admin Leave a comment

The laptop is a beautiful invention, because it’s allowed me to work anywhere, and it’s also taught me how to get rid of gophers.

I occasionally have to travel across the country for meetings, or run into the office from time to time, but mostly I am able to work right from the comfort of my own home, thanks to the laptop. I call my corner lot in the outer suburbs My Ranch. Admittedly, it’s not a catchy name, but it describes my dream. I’m hoping to retire in a few years and actually buy a ranch property, but until then, I’m enjoying my beautiful wrap-around porch that overlooks my large lot. I spend a lot of hours and money maintaining my yard, keeping the grass pristine, investing in ornamental landscaping in the hopes that the place will sell quickly when I’m ready to retire.

It had been a rough month of travelling, client meetings and family emergencies, and I’d been away from home more than I liked. Finally, though, life was going back to normal for a little bit, and I looked forward to spending the morning working outside.

I kissed my wife as she went off to work, made sure the kids had done their homework as they headed out to their high school classes, and I went out to work on the porch, laptop and coffee mug in hand. Breathing in deeply, I looked out over my yard. And, right in the middle of the lawn was this fan-shaped mound of dirt, ugly as sin. I walked over to investigate. Dirt was thrown around, mostly to one side of the hole, but the hole was plugged up with a matt of dirt and dead vegetation. I kicked the dirt in disgust and looked around the yard. Sure enough, there were more fan-shaped mounds of dirt scattered throughout the lawn, the fresh mounds smothering the healthy grass. The thought of some creature munching on tender grass roots below made me sick. I walked over to my landscaping area in front of the house and knelt down, a knot in my stomach as I surveyed further damage to my more expensive plants. Some of the small, young trees were girdled, and some of the shrubs had been clipped just above ground. What a mess. Obviously a gopher had taken advantage of my lack of yardwork over the last few weeks, and had moved in.

I decided to put off work for just a while until I got things under control. Opening up my laptop, I typed in “how to get rid of gophers.” I got all kinds of advice, ranging from the ridiculous to the dangerous. Gotta love the web. The more advice I got, the more I realized I didn’t want to try this myself. Too much hassle and I was inexperienced. I didn’t want to waste time with trial and error and hope that I’d be successful. I decided to get a wildlife removal specialist out to my home. They could worry about getting that damaging critter off of my property. My time would be better spent getting my yard back in shape and enjoying the beautiful day while earning a living at the same time.

Trapper Tails