Gather around, my children, and I will explain to you the mysteries of why so many people fail to get rid of chipmunks. In a nutshell, we’re too cute. Humans seem to love tiny furry animals with little paws. They cannot resist watching us, laughing when we jump and chatter, run and play. They even seem to love watching us go about our normal, everyday business. I am here to teach you how to use your cuteness to your full advantage.
Step One: Go to a home with older women. They are more likely to have birdseed available in their yards. For some reason, they enjoy watching those nasty flying animals eat, I haven’t figured out why. But, it’s great for us, because the birdseed is absolutely delicious and stores extremely well.
Step Two: Only one or two chipmunks should make First Contact with a home. If too many of us appear the first time, people will sense an invasion, and then they will want to get rid of chipmunks. Maximize your cuteness factor by sending in one or two of your youngest, most adorable chipmunks, preferably those who have the tiniest paws and can do backflips.
Step Three: Don’t allow your First Contact chipmunks to stay too long. Leave them wanting more. The humans will actually put out food to try to get us to come back. They’ve even been known to leave huge buckets full of peanuts out on their porch.
Step Four: Now, you can send in up to four chipmunks. Make sure you play and hype up your antics. Every now and then, stand still, cheeks stuffed with their offerings, and the humans will ooh and aaaah over you. They may even bring out more food while you are there.
Step Five: Do NOT, under any circumstances, let the humans become aware of the holes you are making in their gardens or under their homes. For some reason, they do not appreciate water damage to their concrete or dead flowers and vegetables in their gardens. The best way to do this is to assign a few chipmunks to put on a show for the humans, while the rest of you are burrowing.
Step Six: Now that you have moved in and have a ready and constant supply of food and water, provided for you by your human hosts, be vigilant. Our predators will try to follow us, and if they make themselves aware to the humans, not only will the humans go after our predators, but they will also get rid of chipmunks. Try not to attract the attentions of snakes, especially, because those things will use our burrows to actually get into the humans’ homes. Then, it’s bye bye burrow, and you have to start all over again somewhere else.