Chipmunks

Chipmunk Removal

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get rid of chipmunks

I try to act as if nothing unusual is going on, especially chipmunk removal.  I’m fully aware of everything going on, of course.  I’m a wild animal, for heavens sakes.  I’m gifted with heightened smell, hearing that’s good enough for my needs, and an innate fear of absolutely everything.  This serves me well.  Keeps me safe from predators like snakes, raccoons, skunks, dogs, cats, and keeps me safe from chipmunk removal.  It hasn’t worked so well for some of my chipmunk fellows.  Some have been caught, especially when they get a little too bold for their own good, or when they actually dig holes into people’s houses, getting them into all sorts of trouble.  But, so far, I’ve been just fine.

I barely stick the tip of my nose out of my comfy little chipmunk hole and sniff the air.  Whiskers are straight out, testing the air for any movement, but there’s nothing immediately around the entrance to the tunnel.  Regardless, I quickly back down the hole, just to see if anything comes popping out at me, and wait.  Nothing.  Face twitching, I dare to expose my entire head out of the hole, fully alert and ready to dive back down to safety.  Still, nothing happens.  My eyes are wide, taking in everything going on around me.  There’s no immediate threat, no imminent danger, but there’s a chipmunk removal man just beyond the perimeter of safety.  He thinks he can wait me out.  But, I excel at patience.

The chipmunk removal man hasn’t moved, but I notice the small cage at his feet.  He isn’t directly looking at me, and I pretend I’m completely unaware of him, but we both know that we see each other.  Nonchalantly, I scoop some seeds up into my cheeks, then stop, and hunker down, ready to flee at the first sign of pursuit.  Nothing.

I venture out of the tunnel completely and even put my back to the chipmunk removal man and his cage as if to tell him I’m not worried the least little bit.  I flick my tail, and freeze as I notice a large bird eyeing me from the tree.  Faster than light, I’m back down into my tunnel of safety, before I realize the bird won’t attack me as long as that human is so close.

I wait, and wait.  I hear a “whoosh” of wings, and assume the bird is gone.  Once again, I dare to allow the very tip of my nose test the air beyond my tunnel.  So far, still safe.  Cautiously, with jerky movements that ready me for a flight back to freedom, I slowly venture out of the hole once more.  I immediately notice the man is gone, but his chipmunk removal cage is not.  It’s right there, next to my tunnel.  I can’t believe he thinks I am that stupid.  But, oooh, what is that divine smell coming from within the metal bars?  It can’t be peanuts.  I adore peanuts.  A movement to my left sends me all the way down the tunnel into my underground burrow, and I consider what’s just happened.  My thoughts become consumed with peanuts, and I begin to wonder if I’m fast enough, could I get those peanuts out before being trapped?  Chipmunk removal or not, the peanuts are just there for the taking, right?

Beaver

Beaver Removal

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beaver removal

My friends and I are pretty adventurous, but this last weekend, we got to witness beaver removal firsthand on our weekend adventure.  It’s weird, but true.

When we go on one of our little weekend adventures, we pack up one of our cars with food, sleeping bags and a tent or two, and then we just drive.  We drive as far as we can on one tank of gas, and when we stop to fill up, we ask the gas station employee for cool places to camp around the area.  We get directions, buy some cold drinks, get back in our gassed-up vehicle, and drive towards the general area pointed out to us.  But, we don’t go to the camp grounds.  Instead, we look for little side roads that aren’t very heavily traveled, and head down one until we find something interesting or until it gets dark enough to set up camp.

Beaver eating a twig in water
A beaver causing havoc for a little logging town.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

This last weekend, our little dirt road led us right up and over the crest of a mountain, something that rarely happens.  We were driving my friend’s little four-door sedan, so it was kind of iffy whether or not we’d actually make it over the crest.  There were times we nervously joked about what we’d do if the car just got stuck up there in the middle of nowhere.  Would we walk back down the mountain or just camp wherever we got stuck?  Miraculously, though, that little car kept on going up, up, up and over the mountain to the beaver removal site.

We found out that this little dirt road was actually a logging road.  Of course, by then we knew it was intended for much more rugged vehicles than we were driving, but we didn’t care.  We were on an adventure.  We discovered this tiny little logging town in the middle of the forest.  A small store sat in the middle of log cabins, and a make-shift golf course.  The “golf course” was just a series of tree trunks with numbers painted on them, indicating the “holes.”  It was off-season, so the town was only occupied by a handful of people, most of whom were now involved in the beaver removal project.

Apparently, a couple of beavers had dammed up a creek and created a small lake, or giant pond, whichever you want to call it.  Unfortunately, the dirt logging road was now located under the water.  For the loggers, it meant they had to remove the beavers and their beaver dam in order to let the road dry out in time for logging season.  For us, it meant the only way back down off the mountain was back the way we came.

We watched as the backhoe broke through the felled trees blocking the waterway.  The beavers were nowhere to be seen, but we imagined they were in a safe place witnessing the destruction of their destruction.  Slowly, the machinery broke through the beaver dam.  The water rushed out at first, forming temporary creeks that led down the mountain.  Then, as the water slowed and the day got darker, my friends and I set up camp nearby.  Some of the loggers joined us by the fire, and we listened to logging stories until late that night.  It was an odd adventure, but entertaining.  After all, we got to play logger golf and witness beaver removal.  Who knows what’ll happen next weekend?

Moles

Mole Removal

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mole removal

I have tried every mole removal product and gadget out there, but nothing seems to be working and I’m getting really mad.  Look, I have a pretty tiny yard.  Even as small as it is, I work hard to keep it looking really nice.  My grass is a dark shade of green, my plants were chosen with a lot of care, and I even have a little flower garden.  So, you can imagine how upset I am to walk out onto my beautiful little yard and sink about two inches into a mole tunnel, or watch as plants start to die because moles are exposing their root system.

And now my tiny little yard is costing me more and more money, as I replace plants, try to revive the areas with dead grass thanks to moles digging, and purchase mole removal gadgets and repellants.  They’re destroying my whole yard, but they really seem to hang out next to my little flower garden area, under some bushes along my walkway.

I pulled into the driveway the other day, and spotted a large black snake slithering across the concrete and over into the area under the bushes.  At first, it really freaked me out.  It’s bad enough to deal with moles, and now I have at least one snake, possibly more.  But, once I realized the snake could possibly be the solution to my mole removal problem, I decided not to hunt it down.  Besides, snakes give me the heebie jeebies, and I didn’t want to go digging around under the bushes trying to hunt it down.

Of course, now I’m stuck with snakes in my yard.  An obvious alternative is to get a cat.  Mrs. Thompson, my neighbor who lives about four houses down, says her cat catches an average of two moles every day.  The cat usually eats them, but sometimes leaves the dead moles as little presents on her doorstep.  Small price to pay to have a cat take care of your mole removal.  Unfortunately, that means you have to have a cat.  I’m allergic and don’t really like cats.  Maybe I can convince Mrs. Thompson to let me borrow her cat from time to time, but I’m sure it’ll get used to roaming around on my property and I’d have to deal with that.

So, snake or cat to get rid of the moles.  Those can’t really be my choices, can they?  I’m tired of spending so much money and time on mole removal instead of enjoying summer Saturdays on my small but previously well-manicured yard.

No, I think instead of wasting any more money on do-it-yourself products that don’t really work, or cohabitating with a snake or cat, I’m just going to pay for a professional mole removal service.  They’ll do it right, they’ll get rid of the moles, and maybe they’ll even get rid of the snake.  Then, I can go back to enjoying time outside in my yard again.

Squirrels

Squirrel Removal

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squirrel removal

I had no idea the baby squirrels nesting in the window well just outside my office would cause such a squirrel removal controversy.  I work for a gentleman who runs a business out of his home office in his basement.  There are two of us who show up at his house each morning, walk around back and let ourselves into the basement office. He runs his own small real estate company, and specializes in foreclosed or distressed houses.  Unfortunately, these homes are a lot more work for a real estate professional, which is why he needs help.  My friend and I both needed part-time work while our children were in school, and we consider it a bonus that we get to work with each other.  We do all the paperwork and handle phone calls while he is out talking with clients and generating more business.  It’s definitely a win-win for all of us.

Even though it’s a basement office, it’s nicely finished and I’m lucky enough to have a window casting light onto my desk during the day.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed an accumulation of twigs, leaves and shredded paper in the grass-lined window-well bottom.  Then, one morning after a three-day weekend, I came into the office delighted to see three little baby squirrels wriggling around in the soft debris.  My friend was home with her sick child that morning, so I had no one to share it with.  I took some video of the cute little baby squirrels and the mama squirrel hustling around the nest taking care of them.  Then, I went to work, but kept my eye on them throughout the morning.

The next day, I was excited to share this beautiful sight with my co-worker/friend, and told her about it as we walked into the office.  She looked appalled, much to my surprise.  I had thought she’d ooooh and aaaah over the adorable little squirrel babies, but instead she talked about squirrel removal.  Before I knew it, she had our boss on the phone and asked permission to contact a squirrel removal company.

I grabbed the phone from her and pleaded on behalf of the squirrels.  I said they weren’t harming anyone, and since they were outside in the window well, they weren’t going to damage his house.  Our boss said he’d think about it and call us after he met with a potential client.

Needless to say, the morning’s work was shoved aside as my friend and I debated, but I eventually came around to understand where she was coming from.  She’d had a squirrel nest in the attic once, and it was awful.  Some big animal like a raccoon came in after the nest and ate a couple of them, leaving the remains to decay in her attic. As they rotted, her house got infested with bugs and flies.  She just couldn’t bear to go through that again, even if it was at someone else’s home office.  I gave in, once I was reassured the squirrel removal company would take care of the squirrels humanely, and would probably save their life, considering how many feral cats lived in the area.  In the end, it just made sense.

Gophers

Gopher Removal

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gopher removal

It seems like gopher removal is a consistent, on-going battle for a lot of residents in our area, and I’m determined to get rid of gophers once and for all off of my property.  My wife and I bought our three-plus acres several years ago with its farmhouse-style home, and have worked extremely hard to upgrade the house to our standards.  We bought the property because we fell in love with the area and landscaping.  If it meant nearly gutting the existing home and remodeling it, then we were willing to take on the job just to have that property.

The yard is gorgeous.  We have a pool area, adjacent to a Chinese-style garden with meandering pathways and stone benches.  Out behind the area, it’s a natural forest area with tall long-needle pine trees.  It’s the perfect multi-purpose backyard.  We can throw lavish dinner parties under the stars, or family barbeques, or quiet picnics amongst the trees.  Now that we’ve devoted a lot of time and expense to remodeling the house to match the beauty of the backyard, we plan on settling in and living here for the rest of our life.

But, now our gorgeous yard is marred by gopher hills, and we are in desperate need of gopher removal.  Mounds of dirt litter the grass, stones from our Chinese-garden pathways are getting pushed up, and some of the long-needle pine trees are dying.  I’m certain the gophers are eating the roots of the trees.  It’s astonishing how many gopher holes there are, too, and more spring up every day.

It’s annoying that we can’t even see the gophers destroying our property.  How do you remove gophers when they won’t even show themselves?  All we get to see is the damage and dying plants.  Sometimes, if you listen, you can actually hear them digging under foot, or spot the tip of a gopher nose sticking out of a hole.  We have no idea how many there are, but it’s obvious we have to get gopher removal specialists out here soon or our beautiful backyard sanctuary will be completely destroyed.  How can you host a pool party or elegant outdoor dinner party when you’re terrified someone will catch a foot in one of those gopher holes and trip?

After talking with some of my neighbors, I found out that this has apparently been a problem on and off for years.  Most of my fellow residents have just come to accept it as a fact of life out here.  I may be a newcomer to this area, but I refuse to accept life alongside destructive gophers.  I’ve tried to get rid of the gophers myself, but obviously I’m fighting a losing battle.  It’s time to bring out the big guns and get a professional gopher removal service out here to take care of them for me.  Maybe I can convince some neighbors to hire them, too, so we can enjoy a gopher-free neighborhood once and for all.

Woodpeckers

Woodpecker Removal

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I would have expected cats to be great at woodpecker removal.  I was wrong.  At least with our cats.  They are no help whatsoever.

We’ve lived in this house for eight years, and for five of those years we’ve had problems with woodpeckers.  I have no idea why they’ve chosen our house to attack.  Our home is pretty much like every other home on our block full of stucco- and brick-faced two-story houses.  The neighborhood is almost a decade old, and you can still tell which houses were built first by looking at the height of the trees in each yard.  We’re a subdivision with young trees and lawns still struggling to establish dominance over weeds.  So, I can’t figure out what would attract woodpeckers out to our little area of the world.  I assume they would be more interested in well-established neighborhoods, with lots of tall trees and foliage.

But, we have struggled with woodpecker removal nearly every year.  For some reason, our house gets attacked every spring.  By the end of the summer, we’ve patched up a lot of woodpecker holes and inspected our attic to make sure nothing else has crawled inside.  Many mornings, we wake up early to the drum-drum-tap-tap of a woodpecker drilling holes into our beloved home.

We’ve tried a lot of things, from the ugly giant plastic owl screwed onto our roof to spraying the birds with water anytime we hear them out there.  They ignore the owl and return once the water has dried.  Don’t tell anyone, but my husband’s gone out there with the air gun and shot pellets up at the birds in an effort to scare them away and let them know we mean business.  They still come back.  It’s like they know they’re protected under the law and my husband isn’t allowed to kill them.

And our cats are worthless at woodpecker removal.  The birds ignore the cats chattering and mewling on the ground.  I would have expected, however, that they would have at least kept the woodpeckers out of our house.

So, you can imagine how surprised we were when we walked in the house to find a woodpecker sitting on the kitchen floor.  It flew up onto a high plant shelf once it saw us, and then eyed us, irritated.  Our two cats were nowhere to be seen.  When we looked for the cats later, we found them sleeping soundly on our forbidden bed, happy as can be.

But, we still had a woodpecker in the house.  How had it gotten inside?  Had it been in here before?  All of a sudden, we were faced with removing a woodpecker from out of the house, not just off of the house.

I called Allstate Animal Control and we had a woodpecker removal technician come out to the house.  He admitted he’d never seen something like this happen before, either, but the woodpecker just sat there, on the plant shelf in my kitchen, watching us, proof that the unexpected does happen.  And, proof that cats are worthless at home protection.

Swallows

Swallow Removal

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“My job is to sell cars, not remove swallows,” I protested.  I’d only been working at this used car dealership for three weeks, but I’d already had this conversation with my boss several times.  She looked annoyed at me, which was dangerous, because I really needed this job.  Already it was paying better than my last job, and I’d been able to pay off a credit card bill down to a zero balance, so I wanted to keep it.  I was really good at it, too, and I knew my boss was as happy as I was with my success.  She was also tired of having this conversation with me.

“How do you expect to sell cars when there is a swallows nest in the undercarriage?  Or when it’s all covered in bird droppings?”  She sighed.  She was excellent at her job, too.  I just found out she’d been here less than a year, but she’d pretty much saved the car lot from going under.  She’d hired better salesmen, got a great working relationship with a local bank that offered good rates to our customers, and improved the look of the place to attract more business.  It had paid off and the place was making more money than it ever had.

But, over the last few weeks, she found out she had a swallow removal problem.  Swallows descended on the car lot, for some reason.  They made little mud nests in every nook and cranny they could find.  Mud nests were tucked up under the eaves of the main building.  We’d found swallow nests in wheel wells, car undercarriages, and in the rafters of the garage we used to detail the cars.  Swallows return year after year to their roost, and the previous manager hadn’t done anything about it, so we now had a booming swallow population on site.

Under new management, swallow removal was added to every employee’s job description.  And, I was getting tired of it.  I wanted to get to work, dressed nicely and ready to sell cars.  Instead, I had to help hose down half-built nests.  I’d carry special cloths to wipe swallow poop off a car that I wanted to show a client, and then I’d feel filthy until I was able to get back inside and sanitize my hand.  Sales meetings focused on swallow removal techniques instead of the best sales methods.   We’d tossed around ideas ranging from covering the entire lot in bird wire to installing a sonic bird repellant device.  A co-worker half-jokingly suggested getting a falcon or two to get rid of the swallows.

I knew this was a real sticking point with my boss, and it was for all of us, too.  She didn’t want to sink a lot of money into a scheme that might not work, and I think she was hoping the problem would just go away soon.  I handed her the phone number of a swallow removal service, and she finally conceded that it would cost her a lot less money to get professionals out here to get rid of the swallows.  Maybe, just maybe, we won’t have to go through this again next year.

Pigeons

Pigeon Removal

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pigeon removal

As an interior designer working in the city, I don’t consider pigeon removal as my area of expertise.  I specialize in transforming apartments to really reflect the resident’s personalities.  Most of my clients love living in the city, even though it means paying a lot of money to live in a small, cramped space with no view.  So, I try to make an oasis out of the space they have.  After I’m done, they can still enjoy the passions of city life and have a relaxing haven to call home.

Of course, when I first arrive at most clients’ apartments, it’s immediately obvious they need a professional designer and decorator.  Some people’s attempts (or lack thereof) of decorating are just abominable.  I knew one lady who only owned a bed out of necessity, but hadn’t purchased any other furniture, because she was afraid of making bad decorating decisions.  She sat on the floor to eat her meals and didn’t have friends over, because she had nowhere for them to sit.  She’d been living like that for over a year before finally hiring me.

One gentleman just accepted all the hand-me-down furniture and wall-hangings from his mother, without even trying to make them his own.  When I first met him, I found a heterosexual bachelor living with overstuffed flowered couches and chairs and lace-encrusted pictures of birds and butterflies.

Whatever people’s design-choices, I have noticed a trend amongst city-apartment tenants.  They almost always have to deal with pigeon removal one way or the other.  Some wise people invest in a good pigeon removal service to keep their balcony free of birds and bird-debris.  Some people choose to ignore the pigeon problem and end up with pigeon guano encrusted on their balcony floor several layers deep.  Some people, the do-it-yourselfers, try more creative approaches.  One woman actually drew scary faces on white balloons and taped the balloons to her railing, hoping to humanely frighten the pigeons from roosting on her window sills.  She was traumatized when she realized her “humane” efforts ended up killing the pigeons that swallowed pieces of popped balloons.   Some people attempt pigeon removal with thick wires with nails thrust through them.  They glue these wires onto the areas where pigeons roost, hoping the nails that stick out will prevent the pigeons from resting their tired wings in and around their apartment.  Unfortunately, some people don’t install these correctly, and either end up giving pigeons a perfect nook in which to roost free from predators, or impale their hands as they’re installing it.

Most pigeon removal materials do not enhance the look of an apartment.  I take care of the interior, and make it an oasis for my clients, but I always suggest a good pigeon removal service to get rid of pigeon problems for them.  After all, why spend good money on beautiful furniture and decorations if your guests are just going to focus on the balloons dancing madly in the wind outside your one and only window?

Skunks

Skunk Removal

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I know, I know, if I’d taken the time to clean out the barn, I wouldn’t have to worry about skunk removal.  But, what’s done is done.  There, amongst the broken lawn mower, the old bag of dog food that I’d forgotten about, a couple of empty gas cans and all the random stuff we carted out of our newly remodeled home, lives a skunk.  It’s bigger than a poodle and fluffy, and it most definitely does not want to move out of my barn.

Usually, I take extra care to winterize our entire property.  As fall is ending and the cold weather sets in, I take care of everything, including giving the lawn a last good mow, placing tree stakes near all the trunks, cutting back the roses and cleaning out the barn before making sure the house is ready for the cold months ahead.

Things were a little different this last year.  Our last child graduated high school and then headed off to college.  We had the house to ourselves.  My wife was determined to remodel, and I think it had more to do with combating empty-nest syndrome than a desperate need to have a new master bath, but I was happy to comply.  College doesn’t come cheap, so we did most of the work ourselves, which made for an extremely busy fall.  It never occurred to me that skunk removal would be the consequence to ignoring my normal self-imposed duties.

But, here I am, standing in the doorway of my barn, dressed in a cheap hazmat-like suit purchased at the hardware store, armed with a net on the end of a long pole.  As the skunk turns and tries to burrow its way deeper into the debris littering the barn, I realize a net is probably not the best skunk removal tool.  I realize I am standing at a crossroads of choices – either press forward into the dark recesses of the barn chasing after this odorous animal, or back out gracefully and get a professional trapper who is experienced at skunk removal.  I’m a man, and I assume I can do it myself, so I press forward carefully.

In the dim light, I become aware of little brown pellets littering the floor, especially around the bag of forgotten dog food.  I realize the sorry state of my barn gave it a perfect place to hole up for the winter, and the dog food and rodents provided an excellent food source.

I stop, aware of a scrabbling noise on my right.  I can just make out the form of the skunk as it tries to squeeze itself further out of sight, and I approach carefully, stretching out my net.  Suddenly, the skunk whirls around and lifts its tail, and I realize I made the wrong choice trying to remove the skunk by myself.  But, by now, it is too late, and I can only hope the weak respirator I wear and the cheap paper covering I wear over my clothes will keep the worst of the skunk spray off of me as I run out of the barn.

Snakes

Snake Removal

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get rid of snakes

I’m afraid to get snake removal done until all the other pests are gone, too.  I swear, it’s been like my little farm has been plagued lately, and I don’t know how or why it started.  My family’s lived and worked this farm for five generations, now, and as far as I know, we’ve never had this kind of problem before.

Sure, it’s a farm, so we have our share of mice and other pests.  This year, for some reason, the mouse population has skyrocketed.  I’m finding mouse droppings all over the place, not just in the barn.  They’ve started coming in the house, too.  I’ve set out mouse traps, but I can only catch a few mice that way.

So, when I spotted a few larger snakes on the property, I have to say, I welcomed them at first.  I thought they’d help keep the mouse population down.  But, now, we’re dealing with more snakes than I’ve ever seen, and we’ve got to have both problems gone.  Mouse removal, then snake removal.  Simple as that.

I don’t know what kind of snakes they are, but they’re definitely bigger than the usual garden snakes we have.  The garden snakes have been great, because they eat crickets and other bugs, they shy away from people, and they just leave well enough alone.  But, these bigger snakes are a lot more bold, and I think they’ve gotten in the house, too.  I’m sure they’re just after the mice.  Since the bigger snakes showed up, we don’t have as many mice in the house, but I found some snake skins in the attic, which just horrifies me.  I guess snakes can get into the walls, and then slither up the inside of the wall all the way up into the attic.  Where else can they go?  I hate the thought of maybe stepping on one inside the bathroom or kitchen.  What if they’re poisonous?

My son went out to work in the garden the other day and lifted up a tarp, only to find three of them curled up under there.  Fortunately, none of them attacked him, and by the time he came back with a shovel to kill them, they’d all disappeared somewhere.  I’m nervous about having him work in the garden now, or even the barn, because I don’t want him bitten.

So, now, what do I do?  If I get rid of the mice, will the snakes go away?  Or, do I get snake removal service out here to get rid of the snakes, and then get feral cats to get rid of the mice?  Maybe the snake removal service will take care of the mouse problem at the same time, and our little farm will finally be pest-free for a little while.  I’d better do it quick, before something bigger and meaner shows up to eat the snakes that are eating the mice!