Get Rid of Opossum

opossum remival

Being a techie at a stadium is one of the best jobs a person could ever do, but it should never include getting rid of an opossum.

Opossum hanging by his tail.
An opossum that spooked a theater by hiding in it’s orchestra pit.

I’m part of the stage crew at a large theater downtown.  Every day is a little different, depending on the show or concert that will be playing here.  Some days are spent lighting and re-lighting for a show that’s coming through our city, spiking the stage (putting tape marks all over the stage so we know where a set piece is supposed to go in the middle of a show), testing the sound system, or making sure the green rooms and dressing rooms are prepared.  Some of our guest celebrities are very particular about how they want their dressing rooms arranged and stocked.  Some days are spent with maintenance, such as keeping the house in good repair, making sure the seats are clean and comfortable, or repairing curtains.  Other days are spent striking sets and loading them up in trucks for the show’s next city appearance.  It’s exhausting, physical work, and there aren’t a lot of women who do what I do professionally, but it’s my passion and joy.  And, I’m lucky enough that my husband works here, too.

One day when we wer

e doing maintenance on the house, I made a horrible discovery.  There was an opossum under the orchestra pit.  No one had ever trained me how to get rid of an opossum.  But, there it was, backed up against the other side of the pit, its eyes gleaming in the darkness, its lips pulled back in a hissing and toothy grimace.  Not only do I have to get rid of an opossum, I have to get rid of a live opossum.  I’m no nervous nelly, but that’s really not in my job description.

I backed out of the space under the orchestra pit.  That area is technically lower than the river, so I shouldn’t be surprised to find animals down in there.  Maybe that’s why the opossum was down there, to feast on mice or rats or whatever made its way down there.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this explains a lot.  Lately, some of the actors and musicians from our latest musical production had been complaining of weird smells around the stage.  Some of the crew had been “spooked” by odd noises when they were working alone in the area.  We joked that it was our resident ghost.  Really, what theater doesn’t have a resident ghost?

But, this explained everything.  It was just an animal.

I made my way up to the office, where my husband was working.  “Hon, we gotta get rid of an opossum,” I said.

He had to see it for himself, of course, and I think he came out of the orchestra pit faster than I did.  Before long, we called Allstate Animal Control to get rid of the opossum.  Fortunately, their guy got it out before we set up for the show that night.  Of course, we still let the actors and musicians believe it was a ghost.

Get Rid of Squirrels

get rid of squirrels

“Mom, why do we have to get rid of squirrels?”  My four year old daughter looked up at me, her blue eyes filling with tears.  She’d been a little touchy lately, especially after her fish Leon died.  My son is allergic to most pets – cats, dogs, rabbits, ferrets.  We had hoped that a tiny Siberian hamster would be okay, but he broke out in a rash as soon as he got near one.  So, our family is a fish family.

Squirrel
A squirrel looking at your home to call his home.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

We made a big production of taking a Saturday morning to go pick out the perfect aquarium for our house, and each of us got to pick out a fish.  My husband hates the idea of fish as pets, but he saw how important it was to our kids, so he relented and the family took a trip to a local aquarium store.  Normal pet stores cause an allergic reaction in my son, so a specialty store was the only way to go.  We had to drive about thirty minutes, and spent a good hour picking out an appropriate aquarium and the fish to put in it.  Everyone wanted a different fish, but not all fish get along well.  Fortunately, the employee was very patient with us and helped us get everything, and every fish, we needed.

My daughter got a little blue fish that looked like it had neon stripes on it.  She was so proud of it.  I have no idea where the name Leon came from, but that’s what she called it.  My husband set up the new aquarium, we got the water levels and chemistry correct, acclimated our new family members to their new home, and taught the children the appropriate care and feeding procedures.

But, then, my daughter got a little overzealous early one morning.  She decided all the fish needed more food, and she poured the flakes all over the surface of the water.  As soon as I walked out of my bedroom to make everyone breakfast, I saw the catastrophe, and quickly scooped up as much as I could.  By then, though, it was too late for Leon.

My daughter cried bitterly, dealing with the death of a beloved pet at an early age.  Which is why I found myself having to explain to her, very carefully, why we have to get rid of squirrels.

Two days ago, I noticed my son was getting more and more rashes.  An allergic reaction to something, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I quizzed him to see if his class had a new pet at school, or if he played at a friend’s house who had a pet.  It turned out, after quite an extensive investigation, that we have squirrels in the attic.  We found out early enough so that they hadn’t done a lot of damage, but they’d soiled some of the insulation up there.  I called Allstate Animal Control and arranged for someone to come out and get rid of squirrels, and my daughter overheard me.  Apparently, she had thought they were her new pets.  I explained the squirrels were just confused and thought our house was a good place for them to live, but that they really needed to live out in the trees.  We also made a second trip to the fish store that day.

Get Rid of Gophers

how to get rid of gophers

I’m just trying to make a few extra bucks where I can so I can save up for our band trip to Europe this summer, so why am I stuck out here trying to teach someone how to get rid of gophers?  I mow lawns, lady.  That’s it.  If I think you have a gopher problem, I’ll tell you I think you have a gopher problem.  But, I don’t know how to get rid of gophers, so quit acting like I’m your own personal Wikipedia of gopher knowledge.

I hated the French horn when my mom handed it to me, but it was the only instrument we owned, and we don’t have enough to buy or rent another one.  So, guess what?  I learned how to play the French horn.  Turned out it was pretty cool after all.  I mean, not cool like popular.  But, cool for band people.  Not a lot of people play the French horn, and definitely not a lot of girls.  Plus, I’m good.  I practice a lot.  Now that I’m a junior, I’m first chair, and I got invited to join a county band that performs three times a year.  We got good enough that our county band was invited to play a few places in Western Europe, and I am so excited.

Gopher digging a hole.
Gopher digging holes in a lawn.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

Course, when I told my parents, they were totally happy for me, but I could tell they were also worried about how much it would cost.  The trip’s next year, so I have a long time to work and save up money.  I’m pretty sure I can do it.

So, that’s what my mind’s on.  School, band, making money for the Europe trip.  Not on how to get rid of gophers.  I babysit year-round, I walk dogs, I house sit, I mow lawns this spring and summer, I’ll rake leaves in the fall, and I’ll shovel walkways in the winter.

This lady is actually pretty cool to me.  She pays me right away, and even gives me tips and brings drinks out to me.  She’s not at home a lot, she says, and she hates taking care of her yard.  So, she also hires me to pull weeds and stuff, because she doesn’t like to do it herself.

But, last week and today I noticed big huge holes in her yard, with dirt sprayed out like a fan around mounds of dirt.  Last week, I thought a dog had just dug around, but I did some online research over the week, and realized I’d seen gopher holes in her yard.  She needed to do something to get rid of gophers.  And, I told her so.  Then, she told me she’d pay me extra to get rid of gophers for her.  Uh, not really my thing.  Mowing, yes.  Pulling weeds, yes.  Gophers, no.

So, then she started asking me all these questions about gophers, how to get rid of gophers, when are gophers most busy, and on and on.  I have no idea.  But, fortunately, I know who does.  I gave her the number for Allstate Animal Control, and she gave me an extra couple of bucks for the info.  Hey, every little bit counts.  Europe, here I come!

Get Rid of Voles

I’ve never been good at yard work, so I have no idea how to get rid of voles.  I didn’t even know what a vole was until yesterday, much less how to take care of the vole problem.  This is the first time I’ve actually been happy I have neighbors who love yard work.

I work long hours at my day job, and I usually have a gig somewhere most nights.  When I’m not out at night singing in clubs, I’m watching other bands or writing songs, or just hanging out.  So, my lawn is really the last thing on my mind.  Most weekends are busy for me, too, so I don’t spend a lot of time mowing my lawn, pulling weeds, trimming bushes, and whatever else people do.

Unfortunately, I have neighbors who really care about that stuff.  I mean, these guys are out there almost every night with their big power tools edging stuff, cutting stuff, trimming stuff.  They mow so carefully, it’s like an art form for these guys, with perfect mow lines evenly spaced across the yard.  They all have gardens, and every year they come over and politely drop off bags full of excess tomatoes from their harvest.  I hate tomatoes.  Their wives suggest I could can them.  I don’t can.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin.  Then their wives ask me, very kindly, if I’d like their husband to help me out with my yard.

It’s not a girl-guy thing, either.  Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t do it.  It’s just that it’s not important to me.  And, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I need a man to come over and take care of the yard for me.  I hire a kid from the neighborhood to mow once a week, I make sure the sprinklers are turned on regularly, and I call it good.  It’s not like I spend a lot of time at home, so why waste it doing yard work?

It was the kid who mows my lawn who told me I needed to get rid of voles.  I had no idea what he was talking about, so he invited me outside so he could show me the criss-cross streaks of dried grass all over the lawn.  He also pointed out the tiny little holes everywhere.  Then, he showed me the piece-de-resistance – a dead vole.  Kind of looked like a mouse, but with a more pointed nose.  The kid told me all about how there’s probably tons more under my grass, blah, blah blah.

Then, one of my neighbors spotted me and came out, full of advice of how to get rid of voles.  My eyes kind of glazed over after he talked about traps and trips to the nearest gardening store for bait or poison.  Seriously, I think it’s great that people try to do it themselves, but I really don’t need to.  The one thing I know about problems like this is who to call.  Allstate Animal Control.  I figure if there might be a lot more of them, and it’s a real problem, why not just have an expert come out and take care of it, right?  They’ll get rid of voles at a good price, and I can keep on living my yard-work-free life.

Get Rid of Woodpeckers

I swear, if we don’t get rid of those woodpeckers, I might just go insane.  Not funny insane, like in the old cartoon show, but actual crazy angry.  I’m all for bird watching, going on long hikes in the mountains and looking for deer, and leaving things in their natural habitat.  But, my house is my house.  What’s wrong with the woodpeckers around here?  Why can’t they enjoy the many, many trees on our property?  Or, how about the berries out by the creek that runs through our back yard?  The other birds seem to like it just fine, and find enough bugs to feast on.  So, why can’t they?  Maybe it’s time to just get rid of woodpeckers if they can’t play nice.

Woodpecker
A woodpecker drilling holes into the side of a home.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

I’ve got a nice home on a quarter-acre lot, which is perfect for me.  Instead of opting for an expanse of grass that I’d have to mow as I get older, I went for a more natural, forested look.  Every year, I plant tulip bulbs and daffodils out under the mature trees on our property.  In the evening, I sit out on the deck of my small home and listen to the creek burbling and watch the birds flitting, and I sip my drink and think I’ve got a wonderful life.  I even put out a couple of bird baths, a hummingbird feeder, and a few bird houses and feeders to make the wild life feel welcome.

And, if I’m ever going to enjoy watching birds from my deck again, I must get rid of woodpeckers.

They start out early in the morning, when I’m trying to sleep in.  A knock-knock-knock against the roof above my bedroom.  I run outside to try to scare them off, but they just fly into a nearby tree and pretend nothing happened.  As soon as I get back inside, the knocking starts up again.

And, they do help themselves to the berries.  That’s sure.  Wanna know how I know?  There are reddish streaks decorating the side of my home.  Right next to the holes appearing in the stucco.  If it was just the knocking noise that bugged me, I wouldn’t care so much.  But, destroying my house in the process?  Come on.

I don’t want to kill them, don’t get me wrong.  I just want to get rid of the woodpeckers.  But, I can’t figure out how.  And, I’m angry, too.  I’m sure they have access to plenty of bugs in and around the trees.  Why does my home attract them more than their natural habitat?  Is it the warmth?  I can’t figure it out, and I can’t scare them away.

A friend told me that Allstate Animal Control will send an expert out to my house to get rid of the woodpeckers.  Not only that, but they could get someone to fix the damage the woodpeckers caused.  Now that’s service.

So, a quick phone call, an appointment scheduled, and maybe I’ll be able to enjoy my quiet little haven once again.

Get Rid of Mouse

mouse removal

I thought I knew how to get rid of a mouse.  As a high school junior, I have no problems being in charge when both my parents have to go out of town on business trips.  I’ve been watching my younger brother and sister for years whenever both Mom and Dad are gone.  It’s been great, too.  I get paid for doing what I normally do at home, and all I have to do is make sure they both get their homework done, they’re ready for school in the morning, and make dinner at night.  The rest of the time, I can have my friends over, watch TV, do my homework, text my friends, and just do what I usually do.  Easy, right?

Sure, it’s easy.  Until something weird happens.  Like the time my little brother had one of his friends over, and his friend got really hurt while they were jumping on our trampoline.  But, I’m a great babysitter.  I helped calm my brother’s friend down, called his mom to pick him up, and made up new rules about the trampoline.  It’s never happened again.

Or, like the time my little sister stuck a bead up her nose while she was playing in the toy room.  I have no idea where she got the bead.  But, she stuck it up there pretty far.  I managed to help her get it out, though.  I just plugged up the other nostril and had her blow.  After like two tries, that little sucker shot right out of her nose, all gooey and sticky.  See?  Problem solved.

So, last night I saw a mouse in the house.  It ran right across the floor in front of us while we were watching TV before bed, and ran under the couch where I was sitting.  My brother screamed, and my little sister tried to chase it.  It was so gross, but I’m pretty sure I know how to get rid of a mouse.  I got my brother and sister out of the room and ready for bed.  After they were in their bedrooms, I marched back down to the living room and looked under the couch.  Yep, it was still there. I have no idea what it was doing, or why it was just sitting there, but there it was.  I could get rid of a mouse, one stupid little mouse.

I grabbed up our cat, Deacon, tossed him in the room with the TV and the mouse, and closed the door.  Done.  Deacon would get rid of the mouse by the morning.

This morning, I opened up the door to the TV room right before school.  Deacon ran out and headed outside.  Then, the mouse came tearing across the room and disappeared under the TV console.  Great.  Just great.  Guess I don’t know how to get rid of a mouse.

So, I texted Mom, and she told me to just call Allstate Animal Control.  They’d know how to get rid of a mouse.  Guess I don’t know everything, but I’m still a great babysitter.

Get Rid of Pigeons

Sure, I want to get rid of the pigeons in my attic, but I never wanted it this way.  Smudgins is a beautiful Russian Blue cat, with soft fur that hardly sheds at all, an easy purr, a friendly attitude towards kids, and a deep love of sitting in my lap as I read.  I deliberately chose to keep her as an indoor cat, because I live on a busy street, and I can’t bear to think of her as a victim of an accident.  I dread the idea of someone knocking on my door to inform me they ran over my cat, or worse, just having her disappear.  So, I keep her indoors, and she seems to be happy.  I guess I underestimated the driving need a cat feels for hunting.  I never saw the vicious side of her, until now.

I have known about the pigeons in the attic for a couple of months, now.  I know I’ve been lazy, but I’m busy with work, and when I come home, I just want to relax with some soft music playing as I cook and eat a gourmet meal by myself (I love to cook), and then sit in my comfortable couch reading a good book and petting Smudgins.  It’s not an exciting life, but I’m happy, and that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

So, I’ve been lazy.  I know I need to get rid of the pigeons in the attic, but I’ve grown accustomed to the rustling noise up there, and I just didn’t make it a priority.  Until now.

I woke up this morning, put on my slippers, and headed into the kitchen for some breakfast.  My feet slid on something wet on the floor, and when I flipped on the light, I screamed.  It was blood.  Not a lot, but enough.  And feathers.  And some entrails and other pigeon parts.  It seems Smudgins got feisty during the night, found her way up into the attic, and caught herself a pigeon.  As cats do, she obviously felt the need to play catch-and-release-and-catch-again with it.  Otherwise, she would have just killed it in the attic and munched on it up there.  Instead, there I was, standing in the midst of the most horrific kill I’d ever witnessed, feathers and pigeon blood in the middle of my kitchen floor.

And Smudgins sauntered into the kitchen, looking smug and pleased as could be.  She actually had the gall to meow at me for not filling up her cat dish fast enough this morning.

It is now a priority for me to get rid of pigeons.  I can’t bear the thought of waking up to that again.  Good thing I can call Allstate Animal Control and get rid of the pigeons right away.  What a nightmare!

Get Rid of Bat

bat removal

“Myron, I think we need to get rid of a bat.”  I heard my wife call from the other room. She sounded so nonchalant, like it was the most normal thing in the world to yell to me across our home, starting a conversation about bats.  She might as well have been asking me if I wanted turkey or roast beef in my sandwich.  Admittedly, I was a little confused.  After nearly fifty years of marriage, we’d never had a bat in the house.  A mouse problem once, but that was a long time ago.

Maybe I misheard her.  “What’d you say, Jane?  Do you need anything?”  I called out.

“A bat.  A BAT.  I think we need to get rid of a bat!”  Her voice was a little more insistent and a lot more irritated.  She hates it when I don’t hear her correctly.  She thinks I ignore her sometimes on purpose.  If I’m completely honest with myself, sometimes I do.

Sighing, I put down my tools.  During my working years, I had dreams of my retired life.  It involved a lot of golf, a lot of time watching football, and plenty of time in my wood shop.  So far, I spent the majority of my time finishing the basement and turning it into basically a second home.   I’d built a kitchen and living room down there, a couple of bedrooms and an office.  It had been my wife’s idea, and so I grumbled about it a lot.  Truth is, I was enjoying myself.

But, now I had to stop, once again, and head back upstairs to where my wife sat on her easy chair, playing Sudoku.  Her health hadn’t been so good this last year, which meant she wasn’t able to spend her retirement years traveling, as she’d wanted.

I made it upstairs and saw her looking up at the wall above the mantle.  “A bat, Myron.  I said we need to get rid of a bat.”

Looking up, I saw the bat on the wall.  At first, it looked like a medium-sized smudge, but as I walked closer to the fireplace, I could easily see my wife was right.  We needed to get rid of the bat.  I was impressed that she was still sitting there, doing her Sudoku, in the presence of this creature.  She hadn’t been this calm when we had a mouse problem.  The years had mellowed us both out.

I had no idea how to get rid of the bat, though.  My mind went through the possibilities.  At best, I might scare it out of the house.  More likely, though, I’d end up scaring it into a witless flight pattern around our heads, and possibly hurt myself in the process.  Plus, I really wanted to get back to my basement project.  Then, it dawned on me.  Call Allstate Animal Control.  They’d send someone out to get rid of the bat for me, and my wife and I could go back to our respective retirement activities.  Good plan.

Get Rid of Snake

how to get rid of snakes

Halloween is my favorite time of year, and decorations are a major reason why I love this season so much, but I never imagined I’d have to get rid of a snake before I’d feel comfortable around my fun and gory decorations again.

Around mid-September, my kids and I are planning the holiday look for our home.  Will we do a cemetery theme?  Spiders?  Monsters?  Slasher movie motif?  Then, we get online and look up all the great and fun ideas on how to make things on our own, and we pull our tried and true standbys out of storage.  By October 1, we’re ready to strategically place the fun stuff around our yard and home.  We usually hold off on the really spooky decorations until the night before Halloween, just for an added treat for the neighborhood kids.

This year, the theme was “creepy crawlies.”  We have rubber rats, spiders and bats galore.  We strung spider webs all over the outside of the house, hung plastic bats from the trees, and strategically arranged all manner of insects and rats all over the house and yard.

As is our tradition, we had pumpkins by week 2 of October, and spent the weekend designing and carving our collection of jack o’ lanterns. Come Monday morning, we had eleven successful jack o’ lanterns grinning all over our front steps, and we were fully in the Halloween mood.

After the kids headed off to school, I ran to the store to grab votive candles for the latest additions to the yard.  I get a lot, because we like to light up our pumpkins each night leading up to the big event.  I came home, and set about placing the candles appropriately.

I gasped as I lifted the lid off of one of the jack o’ lanterns and automatically pulled my hand back.  Then, I laughed.  Someone had played a good joke on me, placing a snake inside the decoration.  Nice addition to our creepy crawly theme, I thought.

Then, that little decoration moved.  It was a real snake!  And, it wasn’t so little.  It uncoiled and I didn’t recognize it, so I had no idea if it was venomous or not.  But, I wasn’t sticking around to find out.  We had to get rid of the snake.  It was still tucked inside the jack o’ lantern, and I could see it moving around to get more comfortable through the jagged teeth of the pumpkin’s mouth.  My hand itched.  What if I’d just reached inside to place the candle without looking?

No, if I was ever going to feel comfortable around my own Halloween decorations again, we had to get rid of the snake.  I called Allstate Animal Control.  Their expert would know just how to get rid of the snake, and whether it was venomous or not.  And, I might just be able to go back enjoying the holiday.

Next year, however, someone else can put the votives in the pumpkins.  And, maybe we won’t have a “creepy crawly” theme ever again.

Get Rid of Skunk

Kids are hilariously unpredictable, and creative, so I didn’t panic when my six year-old son marched in the house from the back yard and proclaimed, “We need to get rid of a skunk!”  I thought it was a new game that he and his five year-old sister made up.  So, I played along for a while.

“A skunk, huh?  Well, how do you think we should get rid of a skunk?”

He thought about it seriously for a little while.  He must have considered the latest super hero cartoon episode he’d watched, because he decided zapping it with a laser gun was the best solution.

“Well, that’s not a bad idea, but what if you missed the skunk and shot the house?  Then, our house would fizzle and smoke.  Maybe you should think of some other way to get rid of a skunk?”

My son nodded sagely at my counterargument, remained silent for a while, and then suggested a more mundane, but equally dangerous solution.

“We could just shoot it with a gun.”

“Uh, I’m not sure that’s the best way to do it, son.  We’re not supposed to shoot anything in our neighborhood.  We might miss and hurt somebody.”

“Oh, right.  That wouldn’t be good,” he agreed.  “I’ll go think about it for a little while.”

Only ten minutes passed and my son was back to play the game some more with me.  He handed me a blue print that would have made MacGyver proud.  It involved digging a huge hole with some sharp sticks at the bottom, a couple of trip wires strung around our back yard, and, for some reason, an alien from outer space.  I looked it over carefully, keeping a straight face.  “Son, you have really worked hard on this plan to get rid of a skunk.  I’m very proud of you.  Now, where do you think we can get an alien?”

“Can’t we buy one at the store?”

“That depends.  Is it a real alien from outer space, or just a toy.”

“Well, it’s a real alien.  His job is to make skunk noises and get the skunk to come over to investigate, trip over a wire and fall in the hole.”

“I see, son.  You’ve really thought this through.”  Plus, I was inwardly impressed a kindergartner correctly used the word “investigate.”

“Maybe the store doesn’t have aliens,” he suggested.  “I’ll have to think of another way to get the skunk to go in the hole.”

Just then, my daughter, who was still playing in the back yard, screamed.  I looked out the window just in time to see her holding the door to the shed wide open, and a black and white creature run across our lawn.  This was no game.  My son was right.  We had to get rid of a skunk!

Ushering my daughter back inside, I gave up all thoughts of blueprints and aliens and laser guns and trip wires.  I told my son there was a special number we could call when we need to get rid of a skunk.  He agreed that calling Allstate Animal Control was probably the best (and easiest) course of action.