Raccoons in the Eaves

Raccoon (6)           It’s time to serve an eviction notice to the raccoons in the eaves.  They’re squatters.  They just moved in one day, without signing any contracts, no move-in deposit, no rent for the three months they’ve lived there.  Sure, we have a tree overhanging the roof, but that’s not to say we have an open-door policy.  I’m about ready to get all medieval on their furry, thieving little butts.

Those raccoons climb up the tree, drop down on the roof, and have now ripped all the material, covering the eaves and some of the rain gutters, making themselves at home on top of my home.  They just sit on the rain gutter or the roof, and then climb down into the eaves they’ve accessed by ripping my house apart.  I’ve looked around, and it doesn’t look like they even have the decency to use some sort of raccoon out-house, so where are they going to the bathroom?  Inside the walls of my house!  These are the worst tenants EVER!

So, I’m imagining that, if they’re peeing and crapping in the eaves, and probably also bringing in food, they’re also attracting all kinds of bugs and flies and microscopic yuckies that then make themselves free to live in my home, too.  It’s getting out of control.

Now, they’re violating noise ordinances, because they’ve started to fight.  Have you heard a raccoon fight?  It’s not like some kind of minor domestic dispute from upstairs neighbors.  No, this is a special, growling, screeching, banging noise.  These raccoons in the eaves are destroying my home, they’re probably going to make me sick, and now they’re keeping me up at night and waking me up early in the morning with their noise.  They have GOT to go.

I’ve tried to evict them myself.  I put out traps.  I just caught squirrels.  Squirrels never bothered me, so I feel bad about trapping them.  But, now I’m wondering, if I get rid of the raccoons in the eaves, will squirrels just move in?  Will rats or mice be attracted to whatever food the raccoons have cached away, if any?

So, not only do I need someone to trap them and remove the raccoons from the eaves, but I also want repairs to be done.  Ew, and some kind of clean-up, too.  I think I’d want everything cleaned out and sanitized before we closed it back up again, just so we don’t get a bug problem or mouse problem on top of raccoons in the eaves.  Then, we’d need to put the siding or soffit up again and repair the rain gutters.  And, we’d need to do this before the rainy season, too, because I don’t want major water damage to the house.

So much to worry about and take care of, now I’ve got to evict the raccoons in the eaves.  I definitely never signed up to be a property manager for animal tenants!

Woodpecker Noise

No matter what I do, I just can’t stop the woodpecker noise.  I can’t handle it anymore.  I’m losing sleep, and I can’t afford to do that.  I go to school full-time and I work part-time.  Several times a week, I have a two-hour commute to work.  I’m exhausted and I need help.  Can you get rid of the woodpeckers?

woodpecker removal

I rent this top-floor apartment.  It’s not huge, but it’s what I can afford, and I can’t afford to move.  My landlord said he can’t (or won’t) take care of the woodpeckers, because they haven’t come inside the building, so he doesn’t have to do anything. I’m desperate, which is why I’m contacting you, so you can get rid of the woodpeckers and I won’t have to put up with woodpecker noise anymore while I try to sleep, or do homework, or just relax at home.

There are three or four woodpeckers, and they’re bold suckers.  There’s no sign of rotting wood, and the landlord has checked for termites, so I have no idea why they insist on pecking, pecking, pecking on the roof.  I’ve tried to scare them away, believe me.

I tried just banging on the walls and ramming a broom handle up against the ceiling.  At first it scared them away for a little bit, but they always came back.  Now, they’re used to it, and I guess they figured out that noise won’t hurt them, so they don’t even fly away when I bang on the walls and ceiling.

Then, I tried spraying them with water.  That was about as effective as banging on the walls.  I put out foil and reflective tape, and they just ignored it, like it wasn’t even there.  The most effective thing I did was hang a picture of a big owl out on the deck.  They stayed away for about three months after that, but now they’re back.

Finally, I tried, I really tried, ignoring them.  But, that insistent tap tap tap tap tap woodpecker noise wakes me up early in the morning.  I don’t even bother studying at home anymore, because the noise drives me nuts and I can’t focus on what I’m reading.  I’m worried there are insects crawling around on the inside of the wall that they’re trying to get at.  I’m worried they’re making big holes which will let other animals, like mice, get in.  If they make holes all over the roof, I worry that someday I’ll wake up with rain falling through the ceiling onto my stuff.  I’m sick of worrying.  I’m sick to death of the woodpecker noise.  I’m desperate enough to consider moving, even though I really can’t afford getting out of my lease right now and finding another place.  All I want is the woodpecker noise to stop.  Please come and get rid of the woodpeckers, and maybe I’ll stop going insane inside my own apartment.

Pets Disappearing/Coyote Problem

A coyote
A coyote causing problems in a neighborhood.

Caller:  Pets are disappearing from our neighborhood, particularly cats.  Are you trapping and removing them?

Trapper:  Our records show we haven’t sent anyone out there recently.  Are they pet cats or feral cats that are disappearing?

Caller:  Both.  We live in a farm community, basically, and a lot of us have pets, but there are also some feral cats that live in some of the abandoned buildings around here.  I’m trying to find my pet cat, and I found out some of my neighbors’ cats are missing, too.  That’s why I called, to see if you’ve been out to our area catching cats.

Trapper:  No, no, we haven’t been to your area, but I’m thinking you may have a bigger problem.  You may have a coyote problem, or a badger problem.

Caller:  Oh, no.  I did find some strange tracks the last time it snowed.  I never saw tracks like them before.  They were big, and just, different.  I didn’t know what it was.

Trapper:  Did you take pictures you could send me?

Caller:  No, and the snow’s melted since then.  I didn’t even think about it, but it might be connected.

Trapper:  Maybe, maybe.  A lot of times a coyote will come into an area and kill the cats.  Sometimes they’ll carry off the small dogs and challenge or injure big dogs, too.

Caller:  Do they go after deer, too, because the deer have been really wound up.  I mean, we’re seeing them in places they don’t normally go.  Also, we used to have a lot of wild rabbits around here, and we haven’t seen hardly any in a while.

Trapper:  Oh, yeah, coyotes will definitely go after the deer, too.  A lot of times, people won’t even know they’ve got a coyote problem until pets start disappearing, but yeah, coyotes will go after both domestic and wild animals.  Wolves, too.  And badgers.

Caller:  Well, how would I know if it was a coyote?  I mean, other than those tracks, how can I tell?

Trapper:  Coyote droppings.  They look like dog droppings, only blacker, and a lot of times they’ll have the fur from cats or other disappeared pets they’ve eaten.

Caller:  I haven’t seen anything like that, but then, I really haven’t been looking.

Trapper:  A lot of times, dogs will actually attract the coyotes, too, because people will let them bark, and the coyotes take that as a challenge.  So, they attack and kill the dogs or maim them.  Or, people will let their cats out, or feral cats run around, and the coyotes just see that as a food source.

Caller:  So, what do I do?  Do you think my cat’s, just gone?  And, all the other pets that have disappeared?

Trapper:  Well, I can’t know for sure unless you want me to get out there and take a look for signs of a coyote problem, or wolves, or whatever.  A lot of times, when it affects an entire neighborhood or area, people will get together and chip in to pay for trapper services.  When you have pets disappearing like that, you might want to talk with your neighbors and give me a call back.

Caller:  Yeah, I think I better do that.  Thanks.  You’ll hear from me soon.

Chicken Defender

Caller:  Hi, yeah, Hi.  I’m an animal lover and I’m really worried about this loose chicken wandering around my store.  Well, it’s not really in my store, it’s outside of my store, but we’re on a busy street and it’s just going to get killed crossing the street.

Trapper:  Okay, well, I’m not really sure what you want me to do about your chicken.

Caller:  It’s not my chicken.  It might be, I dunno, a wild chicken.

Trapper:  If it’s around your store, and you’re calling about it, it’s pretty much your chicken.  Have you thought about having a barbeque?

Caller:  Ha!  Well, the irony is, I run a chicken wings restaurant.

Trapper:  It’s running around a wings restaurant?  Maybe it’s a ghost chicken, come back to haunt you.

Caller:  (laughing) I know, right?  But, seriously, what can you do about it?  I mean, I really do love animals, and I’m afraid it’s going to get hurt or killed.  And, the animal control office is shut down in our area, something about not enough funding.  So, apparently, there’s no animal control in my city, and when I called the county animal control, they told me they won’t come out for a chicken.  So, no one else is coming.  I just Googled animal control and got your number.

Trapper:  The thing is, we handle animals like raccoons, skunks, rats, that kind of thing.  If it was something like an opossum running around, we could come out and trap it.  Or, if you had a fox chasing the chicken, we could come out and trap the fox.

Caller:  You don’t take care of birds at all?

Trapper:  Well, yes, we handle wild birds, like removing pigeons or getting rid of sparrows and their nests.  Wild birds, birds that get into buildings or homes and make messes.  But, I’m sorry to tell you, we just don’t chase down chickens crossing roads.

Caller:  So, what am I going to do?  It’s just running around out there.

Trapper:  It probably belongs to someone and just escaped.  Maybe you could try to catch it and take care of it, put up “found” posters or something?  Like you’d do if you saw a dog with a collar running around by itself.

Caller:  But, chickens don’t have collars.  How am I supposed to know if it belongs to anyone?  (thinks for a moment)  Yeah, I guess “Chicken Found” posters might work.

Trapper:  Are you going to try to describe it for your posters?  Or, do you think you can keep it still long enough to get a good picture of it?

Caller:  I haven’t thought that far!  I don’t know what else to do.  I mean, if no one else will come get the chicken, it’ll just die out there.  (pause)  Do you know how to take care of a chicken?

Trapper:  I have a couple of recipes for delicious marinades, but I’m guessing that’s not what you mean.

Caller:  Yeah, not really.  Why do I care so much?!

Trapper:  Because you’re a good person.  Good luck.

Possum in the House

 

Opossum thumbnail

The house was quiet and I had it all to myself for once.  Well, I thought I did.  I had no idea there was a possum in the house.

As the youngest of four teenagers and the only girl, it was a big deal for me to be home by myself.  It was such a big deal that when Megan asked me to go over to her house, I texted back that I just wanted to stay home.  Of course, she texted Kylee saying I was mad at her, and then Kylee texted me.  It turned into this big thing, and after I’d finally called and texted everyone, both Kylee and Megan just came over.  Whatever, I guess I couldn’t be alone in the house for once, but it turned out that I was really happy to have company.

Usually, my older brothers eat all the good stuff before I get a chance to even see what we have, but Mom went shopping today and my brothers are all out on camping trips or doing school stuff, so I get first pick.  I grabbed up a couple of bags of unopened chips (usually, I just get the crumbs), some soda and head into the living room.  Megan and Kylee got to my place about five minutes later, and before long we were laughing, play-fighting over whose playlist we were going to listen to, eating, and telling Kylee what to text her boyfriend.

All of a sudden, we heard a crash come from upstairs.  It sounded like it was from my brother Bryan’s room, but I couldn’t be sure.  We just looked at each other for a second, and then started talking all at the same time.  Kylee was asking me if I was sure if my brothers were all gone.  Megan was threatening to run out to her car and drive away.  I was trying to calm everyone down, including myself.  Finally, I just laughed.  “It’s probably just a stray cat or something that got in the house.”

So, we decided to go upstairs and investigate.  We decided to start with Bryan’s room, since it was right above the living room and the crash sounded like it came from there.  Together, we kind of hugged and huddled our way up the stairs and to the hallway, whispering and giggling nervously, sure we were being stupid and silly, but determined to be sure.

I nudged the door to Bryan’s messy room open with my foot, and we all peered in.  We couldn’t see anything, it was dark.  So, I reached in and flipped on the light.  Eyes, teeth, hissing, some kind of large furry thing.  There was a possum in the house, sitting right on top of Bryan’s desk, where it had knocked over a stack of stuff, as well as Bryan’s basketball trophy.   A big, ugly, possum in the house, and there was no freaking way we were going to stick around by ourselves!  We ran back down the stairs and out the front door, barely giving Megan any time to grab her purse with her car keys.  I called Mom from Kylee’s house, screaming about the possum in the house and that I wasn’t going to go back home until that thing was gone.

I haven’t wanted to stay home by myself ever since.  I’d much rather be there with my four big brothers and let them take care of the possum in the house!

Animal in Wall

 

Raccoon (6)

My room is lit by the soft glow of various electronic devices silently charging on the bedside table.  The PC hums in the corner, its little fan whirring occasionally throughout the long hours of the night.  A tiny light blinks behind the television set, telling me I forgot to turn off the sound system before I drifted off to sleep.  It’s a quiet, peaceful room, and there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to sleep, except for the animal in the wall.

I only hear the animal at night, sometimes midnight, sometimes later.  It’s inside the wall in my closet, which is surprising, because I know there’s only a tiny amount of space between the painted drywall and the mirror-covered wall in the adjoining bathroom.  It’s maybe five inches wide, about the length of a smart phone.  For four nights, the soft bumping, scraping, chewing sound coming from my closet has kept me awake, and I’m starting to panic.  In the bright of day, I discovered the tiny hole behind the shelf where I keep my folded sweaters.  I can’t begin to imagine what kind of animal is in the wall, or how it got there, or where it goes during the day, or what it’s going to do once the hole is big enough for it.  How big is big enough?  How large is the animal in the wall?  Why is it coming to my closet?  What’s drawing it in there?

I lie in bed, cocooned by my own body heat trapped in my soft blankets, and my eyes stare at the door to my closet.  I can hear the animal, chewing, moving, its fur scraping the innards of the wall.  It’s industriously working at gaining access to my bedroom, for unknown purposes.  I try to tell myself I’m just being silly.  It’s nothing but a tiny mouse, and I’ll put a trap inside the wall tomorrow.  But, I can’t know for sure it’s a mouse.  What if it’s something bigger?  What if it’s a whole nest of mice just waiting to swarm into my closet, tramping my clothes with their filthy feet?  Then, I imagine sticking my hand inside the hole to set a trap, and I shudder at the thought of an animal lurking inside the wall, waiting for me to place my exposed flesh inside the dark recesses of its lair so it can chomp on me.

I angrily tell myself to shut up, that I’m being a big coward.  I jump up, turn on the lights in my room, grab my cell phone, stride across to the closet and swing the door open, determined to face this creature head on.  There it is, the hole is definitely larger than it was last night.  I slow down, creeping towards the hole, grimacing at the shower of drywall littering my nicely folded sweaters.  Turning on the LED light from my cell, I turn it towards the wound in the wall.  Nothing happens, and I begin to breathe.  Then, a flash of fur, giant eyes, and a show of teeth knock me out of my closet.  My fear propels me out of the bedroom, and slamming the door behind me, I pound into the front room and leap up onto the couch, panting.  I still don’t know what it is, but I’m calling for help tomorrow.  I can’t sleep another night in that room until someone gets rid of that animal in the wall.

Snakes in the Basement

 

 

 

snakes

 

The smell of snakes in the basement just about knocked me over when we first walked downstairs.  I was hit by an overpowering stench of musk, dead things and snake feces.  The den of garter snakes grew over the winter, as snakes tended to congregate in the warmth of this particular basement.  I bravely went down the steps into the basement and took a few pictures to post online, and wondered how on earth I was going to adequately describe the sites and smells that accosted me in that basement.

As a recent college grad with a degree in Communications, I was grateful to get a part-time job at our local radio station reporting the news.  It wasn’t great, but it was a start, and I was willing to do whatever it took to make it into a full-time position that actually paid the bills.  As it was, I worked part-time for the station, and held down two other part-time jobs as a waitress and at an office supply store.  Student loans take a lot of work to pay off, especially in this economy.  Even though the radio job paid the least, I was determined to stick it out in the hopes I would actually use my degree for something good.

As the radio station had a serious lack of funds, most of my stories were generated and fact-checked via the telephone or internet within my tiny cubicle at the station.  One of my friends is a realtor who stumbled into what he thought was a good story, so he called me up, and I convinced my editor to let me go out to the site and get some good pictures as well as the story.  If I could generate more traffic to the station’s web site with graphic pictures, we might generate more revenue, and I’d be a step closer to a full-time gig.

My friend was stuck with the unenviable task of selling this home that had snakes in the basement.  As winter set in, the owners noticed more and more snakes in the house, and were horrified when they discovered an entire snake den in the basement.  It was supposedly mostly garter snakes, but there was a possibility of one or two additional species down there.  Not to mention the fact that garter snakes are one of the smelliest species, since they emit a musky odor and tend to have more watery and stinky feces.

The horrific pictures I took, as well as the graphic descriptions of the smell and sounds of a large den of snakes in the basement made for a wonderful on-line story, and my editor actually used it in the radio news broadcasts.  That was three years ago, and people still look up that story!  That was the beginning of many interesting news articles I wrote for the station, and thanks to those snakes in the basement, I have a full-time news job and was able to quit the restaurant and office supply store.  I’m even up for the editor’s position once he leaves.  It was worth it, even though I still have nightmares of that smelly, slithering, raspy mess.  Hopefully I never have to experience that again.

Porcupine in Garage

Porcupine eating wooden post in garage.
A porcupine eating a wooden stair rail in a garage.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Please contact us for her contact info.)

My wife gave me the greatest gift this year.  She converted the garage into a man-cave.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t intend the porcupine in the garage to be part of the gift, but it made for a pretty eventful Christmas.

I’m not a big gift-guy, but Christmas morning, I was kind of surprised that I didn’t have a package from my wife under the tree.  She usually goes a little overboard and gets me a big, nice gift.  I did get the typical random gifts from my children:  a tie tack, cheap sunglasses, a matchbox car and a handmade card.  After the presents were all open, though, my wife wouldn’t let anyone break into the doughnuts and hot chocolate.  Instead, she announced we were going to the garage.

The older two children got grins on their faces, and the younger two whined about having to wait a few extra minutes for their doughnuts.  I shrugged and dutifully followed her.  Then, she opened the door to what was once a mess of boxes and random tools.

It was straight out of a magazine.  Tools were nicely organized in a corner with a work bench.  My wife had obviously gone through the contents of the boxes, gotten rid of a lot of things, and carefully stored the rest of our boxed belongings away.  In their place was a comfortable couch, a fake bearskin rug, a couple of side tables, and the television set from my wife’s office.  I could not believe it.

I was so blow away by what my wife had done for me that I didn’t even notice the porcupine in the garage.  But, my wife gasped and pointed.  A chunky, lumbering, spiny animal had been happily munching at the handle of my grandfather’s hammer.  It had probably gotten in there while my wife as putting the finishing touches in my new man cave, and who knows how long that porcupine had been stuck in the garage.  Days, maybe?  The leather couch had a gaping hole where it had been eaten through, and while the well-worn wood of my grandfather’s hammer handle was still mostly there, it had suffered some damage.

The kids were shooed inside, happy to finally attack the doughnuts and my wife and I tried to chase the porcupine out of the garage.  It was happy in there, though, and we retreated quickly when it puffed its quills out.  Fortunately, over the course of the next couple of hours, we were able to lure it out of the garage, but I was afraid it would quickly find its way back into my amazing new hangout.  I wasn’t going to go out to watch a game and share the space with a porcupine in the garage.  So, we called an animal removal service to come out and remove the porcupine as quickly as possible.  And, I went back to wondering what I’d done right in my life to deserve my wonderful wife.

Possum in the Gym

opossum remival

 

The screams of a team of fourteen- to sixteen year-old girls bounced around the gym walls.  No, we hadn’t just won a game.  No, no one had made an amazing shot from halfway across the basketball court.  These were terrified screams, and it took me a good ten minutes to calm everyone down to the point where I could figure out just what had happened.  There was a possum in the gym under the bleachers.

Our high school’s girls basketball team is really good.  These girls aren’t the type to worry over whether they’ve broken a nail, or jump on a chair if they see a spider on the floor.  These are strong, hard-working young women who work hard at practices so they can win regionals.  This is not a wimpy basketball team.  And, I love being their coach.

So, you can imagine how surprised I was to hear all the screaming and running when I ran back to my office to get something.  I’d left the team captain in charge of warm ups and drills, as I usually do.  But, the screeching had me tearing back through the nearly-empty high school halls back to the gym.  I was ready to do battle with whatever was terrorizing those girls.

Apparently, what had happened was they were all warming up and stretching for practice.  They’d run laps around the gym and then got into formation to stretch out leg muscles.  One of my forwards saw a glint of something in the darkness under the bleachers right in front of her, and she stopped stretching and got closer to find out what it was.  Some of her teammates joined her to figure it out.  Then, one of my girls reached her hand in between two rows of seats, and touched something furry that let out this horrible sound and stench, and showed a row of gleaming ugly teeth.  That’s pretty much when the screaming started.

I calmed everyone down, and cautiously approached the bleachers where they’d made “contact.”  I hate to admit it, but my heart was pounding hard in my chest, and I struggled to maintain my composure.  I knelt down in front of the bottom bleacher and let my eyes adjust to the darkness underneath.  I pulled out my keychain with a small flashlight, and clicked the light into the gloom.  Hopefully not a single girl on my team noticed me jump when the tiny light showed a grey-ish animal, teeth bared and eyes gleaming, backed up against the wall.  Then, I realized, it was only a possum in the gym.

I knew it wouldn’t hurt us, as long as we left it alone.  I made the girl who touched it go wash her hands, which she did willingly enough, and left a message for the building maintenance crew to get someone to get rid of the possum in the gym.  We still held practice that night, but my girls had a tough time keeping an eye on the ball when they were too busy eyeing the bleachers to make sure the possum stayed under there.

Rabbit Bite

rabbit removal

My boyfriend’s a pretty tough guy.  He served in the Army for six years.  He worked construction while putting himself through school.  And, even though he now works at an office job, he spends his off-hours doing big projects around the house, hunting, or taking the family camping.

But, when he got a rabbit bite, he actually yelped and tears came to his eyes. I’ve never seen him cry out in pain.  Even when he accidentally put a nail through the fleshy part of his ring finger, he just grunted and drove himself to the hospital to have it removed.  Apparently, the surprise and pain of a rabbit bite was enough to get the best of him.

Our daughter had been playing on the trampoline with her friends, and she came rushing inside to tell us excitedly that we had rabbits in the backyard.  We’d been aware we had rabbits around our property, but we’d kind of put off doing anything about it.  When my daughter discovered the rabbits, she was over the moon.  She’d wanted a pet for a long time, and had figured the rabbits came to be her pets.  So, my boyfriend took the opportunity to show her and her friends a few things about wild rabbits, teach them how to be safe around them, and that they definitely are not pets.

My big, tough man didn’t think to put on his work gloves.  He took a rabbit by surprise and grabbed it up, intending to use it to teach the girls.  That’s when the rabbit bit him.  Lesson learned, I guess.

The skin was pulled back and the cut was ragged.  It had already started to swell and it would probably bruise. As my boyfriend was washing the wound, I asked him when he had last had a tetanus shot.  That’s when I learned something new about this wonderful, strong man.  He was afraid of shots, so he hadn’t even thought about getting a booster.  It was probably fifteen years since he’d had a tetanus booster.  I choked back a frustrated retort.  How often did he go out in the woods by himself, hunting or camping?  He’d spend so much time preparing for any contingency, but he’d failed to do this one simple thing.  I didn’t say anything to my boyfriend, but I did inform him that we were going to the doctor to get the rabbit bite looked at.

Once he as at the doctor’s office, I informed him he was going to get a tetanus shot, end of story, and the doctor backed me up.  Now I know he’s safe, and my daughter and her friends got an excellent lesson about how to behave around wild animals, no matter how cute they are, it’s time to focus on getting rid of the rabbits.  Cute or not, they’re starting to destroy the yard and have already proven they’re a danger.