Caller: Hi, yeah, Hi. I’m an animal lover and I’m really worried about this loose chicken wandering around my store. Well, it’s not really in my store, it’s outside of my store, but we’re on a busy street and it’s just going to get killed crossing the street.
Trapper: Okay, well, I’m not really sure what you want me to do about your chicken.
Caller: It’s not my chicken. It might be, I dunno, a wild chicken.
Trapper: If it’s around your store, and you’re calling about it, it’s pretty much your chicken. Have you thought about having a barbeque?
Caller: Ha! Well, the irony is, I run a chicken wings restaurant.
Trapper: It’s running around a wings restaurant? Maybe it’s a ghost chicken, come back to haunt you.
Caller: (laughing) I know, right? But, seriously, what can you do about it? I mean, I really do love animals, and I’m afraid it’s going to get hurt or killed. And, the animal control office is shut down in our area, something about not enough funding. So, apparently, there’s no animal control in my city, and when I called the county animal control, they told me they won’t come out for a chicken. So, no one else is coming. I just Googled animal control and got your number.
Trapper: The thing is, we handle animals like raccoons, skunks, rats, that kind of thing. If it was something like an opossum running around, we could come out and trap it. Or, if you had a fox chasing the chicken, we could come out and trap the fox.
Caller: You don’t take care of birds at all?
Trapper: Well, yes, we handle wild birds, like removing pigeons or getting rid of sparrows and their nests. Wild birds, birds that get into buildings or homes and make messes. But, I’m sorry to tell you, we just don’t chase down chickens crossing roads.
Caller: So, what am I going to do? It’s just running around out there.
Trapper: It probably belongs to someone and just escaped. Maybe you could try to catch it and take care of it, put up “found” posters or something? Like you’d do if you saw a dog with a collar running around by itself.
Caller: But, chickens don’t have collars. How am I supposed to know if it belongs to anyone? (thinks for a moment) Yeah, I guess “Chicken Found” posters might work.
Trapper: Are you going to try to describe it for your posters? Or, do you think you can keep it still long enough to get a good picture of it?
Caller: I haven’t thought that far! I don’t know what else to do. I mean, if no one else will come get the chicken, it’ll just die out there. (pause) Do you know how to take care of a chicken?
Trapper: I have a couple of recipes for delicious marinades, but I’m guessing that’s not what you mean.
Caller: Yeah, not really. Why do I care so much?!
Trapper: Because you’re a good person. Good luck.