Tag Archives: gopher control

Get Rid of Gophers

gopher removal

My job is to get rid of gophers, so I will never, ever be able to stop the jokes.   I’m pretty new at this animal control company.  We specialize in trapping animals, getting rid of wild animals, getting snakes out of people’s homes or businesses, taking care of bird problems, and yard pests like voles or moles.  Since I’m new, they started me out on the easier animals.  I’ve assisted the more experienced guys with trapping skunks or opossum control, but that’s all I’ve done with the larger wild animals – assist.

Until I get more experience, right now I’m the guy who’s always sent out to trap the smaller, less vicious animals, like mice or moles.  I get rid of gophers, for example.  And, I’ve gotten really good at it, too.  I learned on the job, and now I’ve developed my own technique that makes me really efficient, and I started getting some respect from some of my co-workers.

And then, the gopher attacked.

Most of the time, I use gopher traps that humanely kill the gopher on impact.  It gets rid of gophers effectively.  People get so sick of gophers digging through their yards or gardens, killing off plants and grass, and throwing big mounds of dirt all over the place.  Lawn mower blades get broken, kids or animals can step in the holes and hurt themselves, and predators are attracted to homes or yards where gophers live.  So, it is a real service that I provide.

One day, as I was setting gopher traps to get rid of gophers out of a cornfield, a gopher actually crawled up out of its hole and walked right up to me, finally perching on my boot.  I looked at it really closely, and it didn’t look sick or anything.  When I shooed it off, it went off a little ways, and then jumped right up into my truck.  Weirdest thing I’d ever seen a gopher do.  But, it wasn’t hurting anything.  So, I finished setting the traps, got into my truck, and headed back into the office, keeping an eye on the creature.  The little thing just hung out on the floor on the passenger’s side of the truck, cute as could be.  I figured I’d take it into the office and let the guys see it for themselves, and then get rid of the gopher.

I carried it in the office, with thick gloves on my hands, and even the lady who helps with billing thought it was cute.  But, wouldn’t you know, the thing leaped out of my hands, and then ran around on the floor, leaping and actually kind of gnashing at my feet, if gophers can gnash.  It just surprised me, is all, and that’s the only reason I fell backwards over a chair.  It ran over my chest, which made me swat at it like a crazy man, while all the other guys just stood there laughing.  Finally, I composed myself enough to stand up, put the chair back, and catch the little troublemaker.

The guys awarded me a t-shirt that says “I survived a gopher attack,” which I proudly wear all the time now.

Gopher Control

get rid of gophers

“Son, what I’m about to show you is vital gopher control information, or as I like to call them, rodents of mass destruction.”

It looked like my granddad wanted me to perk up and be all ears for this vital piece of information he was going to share with me.  He had worked this farm all of his life, and had been disappointed and proud when his only son, my father, wanted to become a lawyer instead of a farmer.  I don’t know if my father wanted to make up for this somehow by sending me to live with my granddad for a few summers, or if he really thought it would help me become a better man, but for whatever reason, here I was stuck on this hot, dry patch of earth for the summer instead of hanging out at the beach with my friends.

Last year, when I arrived, my grandmother greeted me with a huge smile, an even bigger hug, and a large lunch before sending me out to work alongside my granddad as he cleared debris out of the canal.  It wasn’t exactly what a thirteen year-old boy wanted to do after a long and lonely plane trip to the middle of nowhere.  I would have much rather spent the afternoon adjusting to farm life by playing a few computer games and then going into town to meet some of the local kids and try to have fun.  As it was, it was two weeks before I even got into town.  Everyone kind of dubbed me a snob from a big city, so it wasn’t until the very end of the summer that I actually made a couple of friends.

We hadn’t kept in touch after I left, but here I was again, looking at another dismal summer doing farm work for which I was completely unprepared.  My surfer muscles didn’t really help me pitch hay, although my granddad was impressed that I was “strong enough to last longer than last year.”

But, now, the two of us were standing in the middle of a field dotted with small gopher hills.  Granddad had already shared with me his impressive cussing skills, when one of his monstrous farm machines ran over one too many gopher hills and broke.  Now, he was going to impart his wisdom regarding gopher control to me, and acted like he was giving me a major gift that would help improve my life tremendously.

“Son, I’ve tried all the tricks.  Oil, poison, traps.  I’ve sunk a lot of money this last year into gopher control, and I have finally found the secret.”  He reached into his pocket, where I assumed he’d hidden some secret vial of goop he’d cooked up.  Instead, he pulled out a cell phone, called a gopher control service, hung up and looked at me.  “Nothing to be done for the rest of the day until they get rid of the gophers for me.  How bout going into town for some ice cream?”

I never thought I’d be grateful for gophers, but I sure was that day!

Dead Gopher

I thought gopher holes were bad enough, but a dead gopher in the flower bed is pretty nasty.  It’d be great news if it were the only gopher I’ve been fighting, but I’ve been fighting a losing battle with gophers for about two years running, and I know there’s a lot more out there than just this one.

I’ve spent a lot of years maintaining the landscaping around this historical home.  The place is now run as a museum, and there are a few caretakers, but I’m the only one who tends to the yard, the gardens and the flower beds.  I’ve taken a lot of pride in making sure the place looks pristine from the outside, making sure everything looks just perfect when a tour bus rolls up or some nice family from a few states over stop by during their road trip.  That’s why I got so mad when I showed up for work one day and discovered gopher holes all over the side yard.  Big mounds of fresh dirt were like scars on the deep green grass I had so carefully tended.  Going over to investigate, sure enough, there were little plugs of grass and roots in the holes, a sure sign some gopher’s been tunneling down there and throwing the dirt up around the gopher holes.

Mad as heck, I thought I could take care of a little gopher problem.  I didn’t want it turning into a big gopher problem.  I knew they’d do more than mess up the landscaping view.  They were bound to get into the vegetable garden sometime or destroy some of the well-established trees along the drive.  They might uproot the sprinkler system I installed or chew water lines or underground cables.  No, I knew I had to stop the gophers.

So, I’ve been trying everything possible, but I’m still finding fresh gopher holes all over the landscaping.  One morning, some of the tourists spotted a skunk digging frantically at the ground like a dog, tearing up the grass even further.  It was on the hunt for a gopher.  Part of me was rooting for the skunk, and part of me was just mad that gophers had now brought skunks onto the property.

Earlier this morning, I walked by one of the flower beds, and reached down casually to pull up a couple of weeds with my bare hands.  I wasn’t paying too much attention, so when my hand closed around something furry instead of a weed, you can imagine my surprise.  I jumped back, and I’d like to think I didn’t yelp, and looked down at the ground.  Sure enough, dead gopher.  Bloated, maggoty, nasty dead gopher.  And I’d touched it with my bare hands.  Not to mention, there were a bunch of black flies swarming around the flower bed I so carefully maintained.  First order of business was to scrub and sanitize my hand until I stopped shuddering.  Next, get someone who does nothing but get rid of gophers and other such animals for a living.  I’m tired of fighting them off by myself.  It’s time to call in the big guns.  They can fix the gopher holes and remove the dead gopher while they’re at it.  I can go back to happily tending flower gardens, pruning trees and keeping the lawn green.