Parfum Puant

I have gotten myself into the worst possible situation.  I have a skunk on my porch.  And he’s not just visiting occasionally, he’s practically living there! I am not even kidding when I say he’s been spraying EVERYONE that comes to my front door.  He’s the doorbell I never asked for; I quite prefer knocking.  He’s like one of those perfume salesmen that spray you as you walk down the street, as though it will convince you to buy the nasty bottle instead of pissing you off.

I guess technically the skunk isn’t living ON my porch exactly. My house was built on piece of slanted ground, meaning that part of the porch is on stilts and part of it is flush with the ground.  The skunk has made himself a small burrow in that corner that lays with the ground.  Whenever, and I mean whenever, someone walks across the deck.  In the last six days, four people have been sprayed.  The worst part is that one of them was my mother-in-law; yeah, I know.  Luckily, it’s never a direct spray; he more just sprays from his corner and it mists whatever visitor I have.  While it still stinks, it doesn’t stink nearly as long or nearly as bad.

No matter what the case is, I NEED someone to come get this skunk off of my porch.  The mailman (another of the skunk spray victims) won’t even deliver my mail until he knows for a fact that it’s gone.  Not to mention the fact that my house smells like Pepé Le Pew 24/7. The sooner he’s gone the happier I will be; I really don’t care what it costs because what I can’t afford is to have ANOTHER family member sprayed by this thing; or anyone else.  Please tell me someone can help with this, because if you don’t, my only other option is to sell my house and move far away.

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