Tag Archives: bats in attic

Bats In The Attic

bat_wings        As a local handyman for hire, Tyler sees a lot of weird things, and it’s not unusual for him to be called to a customer’s home to take care of some problem or other, and have it turn out to be something completely different.  A “loose roof shingles” call may end up as a raccoon in the attic, accessing the space through a hole the raccoon tore in the soffit.  In another service call, an air conditioner unit that only worked sometimes was actually caused by a squirrel chewing through the wiring.  That one was sobering, because if Tyler hadn’t spotted the problem quickly, it could have resulted in a home fire or it could have electrocuted someone.

Once, Tyler got a call from a guy who didn’t want to tell him any specifics over the phone.  He just insisted on having a handyman come over and investigate the attic.  When Tyler got there, the man offered no further explanation other than he had heard odd noises at night coming from the attic.  He was so hesitant to explain the problem, and he was obviously terrified.

Finally, Tyler put him at ease and the man confessed.  “I think it’s the ghost of my grandmother.”

That was a new one.  And, Tyler wondered, just what was a handyman supposed to do about a ghost in the attic?

The man went on to explain that he had inherited the house from his grandmother, who had passed away two years ago.  He had lived among her things for a time, and finally got up the courage to pack up her keepsakes and stash them in the attic.  He’d done that almost exactly a year ago, and now he was hearing noises above his head each night and sometimes in the early morning.  He’d lost sleep over it, and was too afraid to confront the ghost in his attic.  Apparently, his grandmother had not been a very nice or understanding woman.

Fortunately, Tyler didn’t believe in ghosts and good-naturedly climbed the stairs up into the attic.  In the end, he almost wished it had been a ghost.  He was not prepared to find hundreds of bats in the attic.  His flashlight and movements disturbed the roosting bats in the attic, and they swarmed, hitting his head and face and shoulders in their panic.  He’d never seen so many bats in an attic, and it was all he could do not to scream as he climbed back down the stairs and explained what was really going on to his client.  The man was relieved it wasn’t the specter of an angry grandmother, but it was just bats in his attic.  Tyler felt differently.  He made it out to his truck, where he allowed himself a mild freak-out attack before calling Allstate Animal Control to get the bats out of the attic.

Get Rid of Bats

get rid of bats 
            Mission: get rid of bats from the attic.  10-4, I’m on it.  Trust me to get the job done right.  I’m no professional, but I’m a teenaged gamer with hours and hours of experience at getting rid of all kinds of online monsters and enemies.  This will be a piece of cake.

            First objective: arm myself with the correct equipment.  Possible weapons: baseball bat, tennis racket, long straight stick.  I select the stick for its flexibility, length, tensile strength and the way it sits in my hand.

            Second: armor.  I need something that will protect me from bites but that will not inhibit movement.  A motorcycle helmet is selected, allowing me maximum protection vs. maximum visibility. 

            Third: select my tactical approach.  Move up the crawl space into the attic itself?  Negative.  Not enough room to retreat if needed.  Ah ha!  I shall sneak up on the enemy from below and from the outside.  It will give me the element of surprise necessary to strike fear into the heart of the bats, and they shall flee their den of evil on their own, believing there is an entire army outside.  It is a perfect plan.

            Carefully, I drag the A-frame ladder up to the house and prop it against the wall.  I don my armor, and with perfect stealth I creep up the ladder holding my weapon of choice before me.  I can’t help but smile with anticipation.  I shall arise victorious from this battle.  I imagine my experience points will increase exponentially as I successfully get rid of bats.

            Finally, I am in place and ready for battle.  I close my eyes briefly and control my breathing, calming my beating heart.  Raising my hand, I begin the attack!  Slam, whack, bang!  The stick falls relentlessly on the attic vent, creating a horrible racket intended to frighten the evil beasts from our castle.

            Nothing happens.  Cautiously, I make a second attempt to get rid of bats.  Whack, whack, bang! 

            I wait.  Nothing.  I listen, and hear them moving around, but they refuse to leave by the vent I have been banging.  How could they not know they are being attacked by a superior force?  How could they not flee in terror?  It is incomprehensible. 

            I descend from my position of attack, obtain a flashlight, and cautiously climb back up to my perch.  Peering in, I can see the vile creatures, rustling, leering.  They are restless, but well-ensconced.   One of them (their leader?) crawls across the wall and turns its head to look directly into my eyes.  We stare at each other across the battlefield, and I realize I am up against a formidable foe.  It is perhaps it is time to consider an alternate plan of attack?