Two weeks ago, World War III began; the battles have been raging for years, but now its war. Living in what most people would call a cabin, I have to deal with many things: the cold, the occasional splinter, and woodpeckers. There are plenty of animals where I live, but none as annoying as the infamous flying checkerboard. Owning a house made almost entirely from wood, you might be able to understand why this particular bird is such a nuisance, but if not I’ll clear it up. Woodpeckers peck holes into wood, my house is wood, and this bird only seems to work in the evening and early morning, when I’m trying to get rest. Can you imagine listening to the sound of a tiny jack hammer on your bedroom wall, all the time?
Now my specific woodpecker, didn’t start off by waking me up almost every day, but instead simply living in a tree in my backyard. I had no problem with that, I love animals! For ten years we’ve lived comfortably as neighbors, but for some reason that all changed this year. About a month or so ago I discovered the first hole drilled right above my patio doors, the next above my wife’s flower boxes, and since then they’ve doubled, maybe even tripled, and everywhere I look I see holes. Soon enough I started hearing him at 5 o’clock in the morning, the TATATATATAT was unmistakable. The rapid fire of beak on wood seemed never ending, so I declared it; World War III.
First things first, I had to build up my stockpile of defense weapons (there weren’t any actual weapons, I didn’t want to kill him); I bought myself a large, fake owl, a new stereo, some tin plates, and set to work. I posted the owl on my roof, its job: scare away all other birds, my plan is to move him every week or so to a different spot on the house. Then I connected my phone to the Bluetooth on the stereo, two can play the loud noise game. Lastly, I placed a tin plate outside my bedroom wall, above the patio, and over the front door just in case. I heard about a guy that put a picture of Obama on one side, and Hilary Clinton on the other; he said it worked great but I’m not looking to pick a fight with anyone but this woodpecker so I left it as it was. When he comes back, I’ll be ready. I will win World War III.