Tag Archives: get rid of moles

Get Rid of Moles

get rid of moles

People of the world, we earthworms implore you to get rid of moles.  It’s well documented that we earthworms are your friends.  We do not carry diseases or parasites, as other creatures who roam your backyard do.  We do not bite.  We do not scratch.  We don’t even bother your precious pets.  We don’t like to get into your house and eat your food.  We don’t damage your buildings and we don’t harm your children (except when they’re not too bright and swallow us whole).

No, on the contrary, we are excellent garden companions.  You may have invented the plow, but we were there first, plowing underground.  We mix up the soil, making sure the nutrients are well saturated throughout the soil, feeding all your plants.  We tunnel, making sure water and just the right amount of air reaches the plant roots.  Our castings even enrich your soil further.

So, why won’t you get rid of moles?  They are not a gardener’s friend.  They may not eat as much of your plants or roots as other animals, like voles or gophers.  But, trust me, the air pocket they leave behind in their tunnels is like a death sentence to the plant whose roots are affected.  Plus, voles, mice and other animals use the mole tunnels, too, and they do eat your plants.  Of course, you see the moles as an annoying creature, that makes mounds of dirt all over your property and destroys your vegetation.  We see moles in a whole different light.

Moles eat earthworms.  We try to get away.  We can feel the vibrations through the earth when a mole is digging nearby, searching, searching, searching for a mouthful of one of us.  And, we earthworms live under your grass, your flowers and your garden, which means that’s where the moles are tunneling.  Once they get one of us, we can only hope they devour us right then and there, if only so we can avoid the horror that awaits the rest of us.  Because, you see, moles are a lot like chipmunks.  They like to store their food.  Unlike chipmunks, a moles’ food is alive when it’s stored.  The mole bites us earthworms in just the right spot, so we have no more control over our motor functions, and then it drags us away and stores us in its burrow to be devoured helplessly at a later time.

If you get rid of moles, you help the earthworm population.  Moles eat us, your friends, your pals, your best gardening tool.  They decimate us and your plants at the same time.  Waste no time.  Get rid of moles now so we can return to our pleasant relationship.  You give us damp soil to tunnel through, and we will nourish your plants.  Moles have no part in that cycle.

Mole Problems

Mole eating a worm
Mole eating a worm and putting holes and tunnels all over your yard.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

“So, pumpkin, tell me about the latest weird case you’ve seen in the E/R.”

“Dad, seriously, I’m beginning to wonder about your morbid fascination with the odd and the gross.”

“Hey, give an old guy a break, will ya?  Retirement’s not so easy.  It’s either this or reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger, and there’s only so much Chuck Norris I can take.  You’re an Emergency Room nurse and I need my stories.  Besides, you owe me for all those bedtime stories you made me tell you.”

“Okay, okay.  I’m just trying to think what tops the goiter lady.  Well . . . there was this guy who came in with second-degree burns on his hand and arm.  He’d been trying to get rid of a mole problem.”

“Ooooh, painful.  So, what’d this guy do?  Try to burn a mole off his arm with a lighter or something?”

“No, not a skin mole, a real mole.”

“So he captured a mole and tried to burn it?”

“Not exactly.  I guess he’d been fighting a losing battle with a mole in his yard for over a year now.  He says he’s tried all kinds of things to get rid of the mole, but nothing really seems to work.  It’s already cost him a lot of money.  He says he’s spent over a grand fixing the damage, but he just keeps finding new mole hills on his property.”

“Hey, mole hills are no laughing matter!  I switched golf courses, remember, because my favorite course had a major mole problem.  You know, one mole can make a lot of holes, and the mounds of dirt all over the place damaged my golf game.”

“Dad, I hate to break it to you, but you never did have much of a golf game.  You can’t blame a couple of moles.”

“You ingrate!  I can’t believe I raised such a spiteful daughter.”

“Ha ha, Dad.  You missed your true calling in life.  You should have been an actor, not an engineer.”

“Fine.  Just go on with the story.”

“Well, he finally got fed up one day.  I got the feeling some of his friends were over and they’d been drinking, because he got the not-too-bright idea to stick some old firecrackers down some of the mole hills and set them off.”

“Uh oh.”

“That’s right, uh-oh.  I don’t know what kinds he used, but probably just anything left over from last July 4.  He said he and his friends went from mole hill to mole hill sticking the firecrackers down into the ground.  Then, they took turns lighting them.  I guess the one he lit was too old, or he didn’t get out of the way in time, but he ended up with massive burns all over his hands and arms.  He’s lucky he still has all fingers.”

“Sigh.  Why don’t people learn to get a professional if you want to get something done right?  If you’ve got mole problems, get someone out there who can remove the moles.  It would’ve cost him a lot less to do it right the first time instead of all the money he spent repairing the damaged yard.”

“Not to mention the hospital bill.”

“True, so true.  Now I’m just sad for the guy.  You up for some Chuck Norris?”

Get Rid of Moles

get rid of moles
Moles Speak Out Against Current Media Portrayal

            Moles in Hollywood are picketing production houses and animation studios in an effort to alter the public’s perception of them.  While they are aware that more people will want to get rid of moles if they are successful, they say it will be worth it.

            “Most everyone thinks we’re just blind, soft, cute and dumb, but there’s so much more to us.  We’re not totally blind or dumb,” one mole organizer explained.

            Their letter to one animation studio cited old and recent movies, claiming the cartoons make them into “caricatures, either as terrible pests or as single-minded, blind but cute beasts.”

            “Why can’t they see that moles are people, too?” one picketer with particularly soft fur said.

            In response, the public relations manager for the animation studio came out with this statement:  “While many humans define moles as “odd looking”, they are also cute. 

We see that as a good thing, and we use this to our best advantage in our cartoons.  We cannot be held responsible if they have soft fur and adorable little noses.”

            Another production house whose recent film vilified the rodent took an opposite stance.  “Moles do a lot more damage than we actually showed in our movie.  They cost homeowners a lot of money when they kill off the grass or plants, and their ridges of dirt are unsightly and make lawn care difficult.”

            Picket organizers admit they had a difficult time getting moles to join them, since they are not extremely social creatures.  “We just felt it was worth the effort, because we have so many great qualities humans are missing.  For example, we have twice as much blood as other creatures our size, which helps us to breathe better underground where we have low oxygen and high carbon dioxide.  Where is that information in the movies?”

            Some moles from a nearby subdivision are speaking out against the L.A. protest.  They seem to fear reprisals, greater efforts to get rid of moles.  One mole, who wishes to remain anonymous, said:  “We have a hard enough time as it is, without these big city moles bringing all this attention to us.  They want to tell the truth about us?  Then tell everyone we can eat up to 50 pounds of grubs every year.  That’s good for your lawn, never mind the damage we might do to the rest of the yard.”

            Moles do not eat vegetation, but their tunneling activities do turn the grass brown.  They are excellent at tunneling.  It is estimated they are able to dig their tunnels at 18 feet per hour. 

            Perhaps my interview with one local homeowner and his daughter says it all.  “They’d be welcome to all the grubs in my yard, if only they didn’t have to dig.  I’d be happy to have them here if they weren’t killing off my grass.”  His daughter added, “Ooooh!  They’re so cute!”