Tag Archives: bat removal

Bat Problems

“. . . And that, girls, is the problem with bats.”  Mark wrapped up his scary story with the deepest voice he could muster and looked around the room at his daughter and her friends.  No one looked impressed.  One of the ten-year-olds even rolled her eyes, and his daughter looked mortified.  So much for throwing the perfect Halloween sleep over.

His wife, Lindsey, swooped into the room with her impeccable timing.  “Who wants pizza?!”  The girls squealed and ran out of the room.  She smiled at him, hugtged him, and sweetly said, “I told you they would’ve liked a ghost story better than a monster story.”

“Thanks for the moral support,” he said wryly.

“Well, let’s go feed these little monsters.  You can make it up to them by serving up your famous root beer floats.”

“So, I’m good for something, at least.  Scooping ice cream and pouring soda.  Whoopee.”

His wife laughed and they walked downstairs, hand in hand, towards the giggling group.  Soon, the girls were talking and laughing around mouthfuls of pizza and gulps of root beer floats.  His daughter had almost forgiven him the mortal sin of embarrassing her and boring her friends.  Everyone trooped into the media room to start a movie, and they were just beginning to settle down as it started when someone let out an ear-jarring high pitched screech.  “BAAAAAAT!!!”

Screams and squeals and running greeted him as he charged into the room.  Sure enough, amidst the flying ponytails and spilled soda, a bat was flying around the room.  It obviously desperately wanted to leave this gaggle of girls and fly free into the night.  But, the enclosed media room and frantic activity had it scared.

Lindsey shepherded the girls out of the room and up the stairs, calmed them down and began checking for bites or scratches.  Mark was left in the suddenly quiet room and faced the bat, which had now perched on a chair.  “Now what?” he muttered.  He closed the door to the room, shutting the bat up inside, and went to the garage to fish out his work gloves, an empty box and a thin piece of plywood from the garage.  Returning to the media room, he took a breath and closed the door behind him.  He was surprised the bat had not moved, but it was probably having a minor heart attack of its own.  Quickly, he set the box over it, slid the plywood underneath and, rather awkwardly, marched outside to let it free.

“How’d it get in there?” he asked himself, as he headed back into the media room to investigate.  It wasn’t too long before he realized what had probably happened.  When he’d put the media rom together, he’d cut a hole into the ceiling, just wide enough to work the numerous wires up through the attic and down into the room.  Were there more bats up there?  He was going to have to make a phone call to get someone out here to check it out.

He walked out of the room to make the call and was greeted by his daughter and her little girlfriends.  They applauded.  They hugged him.  They cheered.  He grinned and said, “And that, girls, is the problem with bats.”

Get Rid of Bats

get rid of bats 
            Mission: get rid of bats from the attic.  10-4, I’m on it.  Trust me to get the job done right.  I’m no professional, but I’m a teenaged gamer with hours and hours of experience at getting rid of all kinds of online monsters and enemies.  This will be a piece of cake.

            First objective: arm myself with the correct equipment.  Possible weapons: baseball bat, tennis racket, long straight stick.  I select the stick for its flexibility, length, tensile strength and the way it sits in my hand.

            Second: armor.  I need something that will protect me from bites but that will not inhibit movement.  A motorcycle helmet is selected, allowing me maximum protection vs. maximum visibility. 

            Third: select my tactical approach.  Move up the crawl space into the attic itself?  Negative.  Not enough room to retreat if needed.  Ah ha!  I shall sneak up on the enemy from below and from the outside.  It will give me the element of surprise necessary to strike fear into the heart of the bats, and they shall flee their den of evil on their own, believing there is an entire army outside.  It is a perfect plan.

            Carefully, I drag the A-frame ladder up to the house and prop it against the wall.  I don my armor, and with perfect stealth I creep up the ladder holding my weapon of choice before me.  I can’t help but smile with anticipation.  I shall arise victorious from this battle.  I imagine my experience points will increase exponentially as I successfully get rid of bats.

            Finally, I am in place and ready for battle.  I close my eyes briefly and control my breathing, calming my beating heart.  Raising my hand, I begin the attack!  Slam, whack, bang!  The stick falls relentlessly on the attic vent, creating a horrible racket intended to frighten the evil beasts from our castle.

            Nothing happens.  Cautiously, I make a second attempt to get rid of bats.  Whack, whack, bang! 

            I wait.  Nothing.  I listen, and hear them moving around, but they refuse to leave by the vent I have been banging.  How could they not know they are being attacked by a superior force?  How could they not flee in terror?  It is incomprehensible. 

            I descend from my position of attack, obtain a flashlight, and cautiously climb back up to my perch.  Peering in, I can see the vile creatures, rustling, leering.  They are restless, but well-ensconced.   One of them (their leader?) crawls across the wall and turns its head to look directly into my eyes.  We stare at each other across the battlefield, and I realize I am up against a formidable foe.  It is perhaps it is time to consider an alternate plan of attack?

Bat Removal

bat removal
The realtor was excited to show this particular house, newly built, spacious, prime location, but he had no idea he would have to do a bat removal before he could sell the home.

He daydreamed about what he might buy with the commission from this house as he pulled into the brand new subdivision.  He drove around a pile of old lumber ready to be placed as a concrete form, carefully watching for construction debris.  His new car was the result of selling most of the homes in this new neighborhood, and he wasn’t about to let an errant nail puncture the tire!

The builder had spent a lot of extra time and attention to this particular house.  There was no furniture in the home, no need to “stage” anything.  The sumptuous interior spoke for itself.  Pristine white carpet was extra soft beneath his feet, the large windows let in the afternoon light, and expensive wood moldings gleamed, dust-free.  He felt optimistic as he opened the door for his first appointment.

The prospective buyers were obviously impressed as they walked into the home.  With delight, they surveyed the huge front room, with its gorgeous stone fireplace that took up an entire wall, and . . .

“What’s that?” the wife questioned, innocently.  Her husband and the realtor tried to make out what she was looking at, and with horror, the agent realized it was a bat, happily hanging from a stone in the fireplace.  It was obvious the wife realized what it was, too.  Both husband and wife turned their eyes on the agent.

Bat flying around
A bat flying out of a box.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

He stammered, “I had no idea, I mean, this never happens . . . “   He looked around for something to frighten the bat out of the house.  It was an empty home, though.  No brooms, no tennis rackets, not even a pair of protective gloves.  The couple decided they’d come back another time and quickly left, leaving the hapless agent to figure out some way to remove the bat before his next appointment arrived.

He ran out to his car to see what he could possibly use.  There!  He dumped the pamphlets out of the box, grabbed up the snow brush and his extra shirt he always brought with him.  It would have to do.  Armed with these makeshift bat removal tools, he went back into the house, made sure the bat had not moved from its perch on the fireplace, and gathered his courage to put his plan into action.

Holding the box as close as he dared under the bat, he quickly swept it into the box and threw his shirt over the top, holding it down over the sides as tightly as he could.  The bat fluttered and battered the inside of the box, but he managed to get it all outside, threw the box as far away from his as he could, screamed and ran in the opposite direction.

Heart still pounding, he smoothed his hair down again, picked up the now-empty box and shirt and replaced everything in his car just in time for the next appointment.  He wondered if it was possible to add bat removal service as part of his commission.