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Mole Problems

Mole eating a worm

Mole eating a worm and putting holes and tunnels all over your yard.
(Artwork by Sharon Davis. Contact us for her contact info.)

“So, pumpkin, tell me about the latest weird case you’ve seen in the E/R.”

“Dad, seriously, I’m beginning to wonder about your morbid fascination with the odd and the gross.”

“Hey, give an old guy a break, will ya?  Retirement’s not so easy.  It’s either this or reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger, and there’s only so much Chuck Norris I can take.  You’re an Emergency Room nurse and I need my stories.  Besides, you owe me for all those bedtime stories you made me tell you.”

“Okay, okay.  I’m just trying to think what tops the goiter lady.  Well . . . there was this guy who came in with second-degree burns on his hand and arm.  He’d been trying to get rid of a mole problem.”

“Ooooh, painful.  So, what’d this guy do?  Try to burn a mole off his arm with a lighter or something?”

“No, not a skin mole, a real mole.”

“So he captured a mole and tried to burn it?”

“Not exactly.  I guess he’d been fighting a losing battle with a mole in his yard for over a year now.  He says he’s tried all kinds of things to get rid of the mole, but nothing really seems to work.  It’s already cost him a lot of money.  He says he’s spent over a grand fixing the damage, but he just keeps finding new mole hills on his property.”

“Hey, mole hills are no laughing matter!  I switched golf courses, remember, because my favorite course had a major mole problem.  You know, one mole can make a lot of holes, and the mounds of dirt all over the place damaged my golf game.”

“Dad, I hate to break it to you, but you never did have much of a golf game.  You can’t blame a couple of moles.”

“You ingrate!  I can’t believe I raised such a spiteful daughter.”

“Ha ha, Dad.  You missed your true calling in life.  You should have been an actor, not an engineer.”

“Fine.  Just go on with the story.”

“Well, he finally got fed up one day.  I got the feeling some of his friends were over and they’d been drinking, because he got the not-too-bright idea to stick some old firecrackers down some of the mole hills and set them off.”

“Uh oh.”

“That’s right, uh-oh.  I don’t know what kinds he used, but probably just anything left over from last July 4.  He said he and his friends went from mole hill to mole hill sticking the firecrackers down into the ground.  Then, they took turns lighting them.  I guess the one he lit was too old, or he didn’t get out of the way in time, but he ended up with massive burns all over his hands and arms.  He’s lucky he still has all fingers.”

“Sigh.  Why don’t people learn to get a professional if you want to get something done right?  If you’ve got mole problems, get someone out there who can remove the moles.  It would’ve cost him a lot less to do it right the first time instead of all the money he spent repairing the damaged yard.”

“Not to mention the hospital bill.”

“True, so true.  Now I’m just sad for the guy.  You up for some Chuck Norris?”

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