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Get Rid of Moles

get rid of moles
Moles Speak Out Against Current Media Portrayal

            Moles in Hollywood are picketing production houses and animation studios in an effort to alter the public’s perception of them.  While they are aware that more people will want to get rid of moles if they are successful, they say it will be worth it.

            “Most everyone thinks we’re just blind, soft, cute and dumb, but there’s so much more to us.  We’re not totally blind or dumb,” one mole organizer explained.

            Their letter to one animation studio cited old and recent movies, claiming the cartoons make them into “caricatures, either as terrible pests or as single-minded, blind but cute beasts.”

            “Why can’t they see that moles are people, too?” one picketer with particularly soft fur said.

            In response, the public relations manager for the animation studio came out with this statement:  “While many humans define moles as “odd looking”, they are also cute. 

We see that as a good thing, and we use this to our best advantage in our cartoons.  We cannot be held responsible if they have soft fur and adorable little noses.”

            Another production house whose recent film vilified the rodent took an opposite stance.  “Moles do a lot more damage than we actually showed in our movie.  They cost homeowners a lot of money when they kill off the grass or plants, and their ridges of dirt are unsightly and make lawn care difficult.”

            Picket organizers admit they had a difficult time getting moles to join them, since they are not extremely social creatures.  “We just felt it was worth the effort, because we have so many great qualities humans are missing.  For example, we have twice as much blood as other creatures our size, which helps us to breathe better underground where we have low oxygen and high carbon dioxide.  Where is that information in the movies?”

            Some moles from a nearby subdivision are speaking out against the L.A. protest.  They seem to fear reprisals, greater efforts to get rid of moles.  One mole, who wishes to remain anonymous, said:  “We have a hard enough time as it is, without these big city moles bringing all this attention to us.  They want to tell the truth about us?  Then tell everyone we can eat up to 50 pounds of grubs every year.  That’s good for your lawn, never mind the damage we might do to the rest of the yard.”

            Moles do not eat vegetation, but their tunneling activities do turn the grass brown.  They are excellent at tunneling.  It is estimated they are able to dig their tunnels at 18 feet per hour. 

            Perhaps my interview with one local homeowner and his daughter says it all.  “They’d be welcome to all the grubs in my yard, if only they didn’t have to dig.  I’d be happy to have them here if they weren’t killing off my grass.”  His daughter added, “Ooooh!  They’re so cute!”

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