There I was, minding my own business, sniffing around and jumping after crickets, when this giant, hard mouse comes wandering around my yard, and I find myself in need of some serious armadillo removal. Course, I know it’s not a hard mouse, but this baby armadillo’s just as much of a pest, and I’m going to protect my yard against this…
Dang it, why does it have to be so cute? I mean, I keep swatting and swatting at it, and it just comes wandering back to me, nudging me with its tiny little nose.
No! I’ve got to make sure I do this armadillo removal right! I mean, if I don’t, it’ll do all kinds of bad things to my yard. It’ll dig huge holes with its very sharp claws as it searches for bugs to eat, it could burrow under the trees or sidewalk or even make pipes break. Pipes break and I don’t get my warm naps inside the house by the radiator anymore! No, this little one’s got to go. Swat, swat!
Okay, now he just thinks I’m playing. He’s going to just waddle away like that, like nothing’s wrong? Gotcha! I’ll hold onto your tail until . . . argh! He got away. Heehee. He’s great at playing! Jump! Look over here, look!
Oh, you’re not that great at looking, huh? Bad eyesight? But, boy can you sniff things! And dig! Look at those giant claws of yours. And this hard shell. Jab jab. You’re too fun.
But, I have to be careful, right? I heard my person say you’re the only creature that can transmit leprosy, whatever that is, to humans. Whatever it is, it doesn’t sound good. I do understand the word tapeworm, though, and I know that’s bad – I don’t want to get that from you.
You wouldn’t give me tapeworm, would you? You’re too cute! Gotcher tail! Gotcher tail! Now I’m going to pretend I don’t even know you’re there. Lick, lick, lick. No, you got me! Hahaha. Bump me with your tiny cute little nose, will ya? Well, take that! Aw, I just can’t stand it. The only thing wrong with you is you’re not a cat.
As adorable as you are, I think you’ve gotta go. My person’s going to have to call for armadillo removal since I can’t seem to overcome my need to play with you long enough to get rid of you myself. I love it, you’re not vicious, you’re sweet, but you do present a few problems we just can’t afford to deal with. I hope you find your mama again, or at least some really great playmates. Go, little guy, go!