Get Rid Of Opposum

I need to know how to get rid of opossum and fast! 

            My wife and I have an RV, and we used to spend every summer driving around to different places, enjoying life on the road.  I got sick two years ago, though, so the RV has just been sitting on our pad on the side of the house.  My wife was so great.  Sometimes, when I was feeling the worst, she would pull out a map and we would figure out where we wanted to go on our next trip.  Planning it all out gave me something to look forward to, and I swear it helped me get well faster.

            So, this year, I’m well enough to go.  I waited until the weather warmed up a little, and then decided to get out there and get the RV ready for our upcoming trip.  I woke up that Saturday morning excited and ready to work.  Had no idea, though, what was in store for me.

            I opened up that door and WHAM!  The smell hit me like a ton of bricks.  Cupboards were open, stuff was strewn all around, stuffing from the dining bench had been pulled out and matted around.  The worst part, though, was the excrement.  It was huge and smelled horrible . . . one of the worst odors I’ve ever smelled in my life.  And some of it even looked fresh.  Disgusting.

            Now, my day of excitedly getting the RV ready for our summer vacation turned into a day of getting rid of opossum and cleaning up after them.  Good thing my wife came running out of the house when she did, too.  I was headed on into the RV with a bag to start the cleanup, but she told me that opossum droppings can have roundworm.  The last thing I want to do is get sick with something else right now.  We decided to call in a professional to do the cleanup and help us get rid of the opossum. 

            Made me so mad to see all our stuff being hauled out of the RV and thrown away.  A lot of it could be salvaged, but some of it was broken or filthy.  I just hoped they could get that awful smell out of there.  No matter how clean and sterile they got it, I wouldn’t be able to sleep in there if any of that awful stench remained. 

            A neighbor caught an opossum in a raccoon trap a night or two after that, but I was sure there were more.  I’m sure some mama opossum had babies in there, and opossums tend to return to their nests year after year.  We had to make sure we got rid of every opossum before I’d be comfortable parking our RV in our driveway again. 

            Fortunately, the cleanup went well.  They sterilized the RV and got rid of the smell.  A few more opossum were trapped while we were gone on our trip that summer.  We had a great summer after all, but it still made me mad to think some opossum family had made their home in our place.  Good thing I hadn’t known about it while I was sick.

Get Rid of Porcupines

get rid of porcupines
As winter approaches, I shudder and wonder if there is any way I can get rid of porcupines.  It seems hopeless for me.  I’ve watched them throughout the spring and summer, the large ugly rodents rooting around, eating whatever they can find.  They’ve eaten away most of the vegetation now, and there aren’t many choices left now that winter is coming. 

            Night is beginning to fall, stars are just starting to peep out, and life is quiet here.  The breeze washes over me.  It’s colder now and I shudder slightly.  I try to enjoy the solitude, the peace, the changing of the seasons.  I remember the summer:  children playing, picnics, tire swings, birds nesting, the warm sun and delicious rain.  But I can’t stop thinking about those monsters roaming around, free as they please, hungry, always hungry, gnawing, ever chewing.  They are a danger to dogs, cats, over-curious children, but so often they forget how dangerous they are to me.  Again, I try to forget about my fears and remember the beautiful times.

            I began to relax ever so slightly, when my nightmare with beady black eyes appears before me.  The breeze plays along its quills and it lifts its nose, snuffling a little in the evening air.  My mind races and I can’t move.  How can I possibly get rid of this porcupine?  In my terror, I cannot think, and I am helpless, frozen and rooted to the spot as it shuffles toward me.  It touches me, and I almost lose all consciousness.  But, I am just not that lucky.

            It circles me and then faces me, baring its teeth.  Each long tooth gleams in the first rays of moonlight.  Those awful teeth never stop growing, making the creature desperate to gnaw on my flesh.  I am horrified as it leans towards me and slides its teeth into my skin.  It chews and tears and rips it away, piece by piece.  I am powerless, and each minute is an eternity of terror.

            Strong claws grip into me, and it climbs even higher up onto me.  It reaches a tender limb and slices it cleanly off.  I desperately try not to think of slow death as disease enters into the stump of a limb.  Strip by strip, limb by limb, the porcupine chews, gnaws and slices pieces off of me.  Minutes are hours in my pain, but finally it climbs down off of me and waddles away in search of food.  It is satisfied and hungry.  I quake with what is left of me.  I have a long winter ahead of me, and I can only pray that some human will get rid of the porcupines and let me rest in peace.

Get Rid of Rabbits

get rid of rabbits   
            For some reason, I assumed that I wouldn’t have to worry about getting rid of rabbits from my new garden.  I realized it probably happened to some people, but that cartoons and children’s books made it seem like a bigger problem than it actually was.  I had visions of shotgun toting bald men chasing cartoon rabbits out of their garden.  It didn’t happen in real life, did it?

            As you can tell, I was new to gardening.

            I had decided I would see how self-reliant I could be.  A couple neighbors had lost their jobs, and, while it didn’t seem like it could happen to me, I thought it was a wake-up call.  I cut back on my frivolous spending, shopped with coupons, and decided a garden would help me be self-reliant and save money. 

            I spent a few days planning out my garden, deciding what I would plant, where I would plant everything, if I would use a water drip system or hose it down by hand, how I would handle weed control.  I stayed up late into the night researching gardening tips online.  Not once did I think about how to keep rabbits out of the garden, or how to get rid of rabbits that might come uninvited. 

            I tilled a large portion of my grassy yard, and turned it into a garden plot.  I got a truckload of good soil and blistered my hands hoeing it into the dirt.  I spent the money on a good drip water system and worked two entire Saturdays figuring out how to put it together and lay it out correctly. 

            I purchased the seeds.  Carefully and excitedly, I planted each one to the depth marked on the seed packet.  Day after day, I went out and pulled weeds, after making sure I wasn’t pulling up the vegetables and herbs I’d planted.  My water system worked perfectly and within a month, I cheered as I started seeing little bits of green sprouting up in the dirt. 

            Within 3 months, I was happily eating spinach salads and steamed green beans, all fresh out of my garden.  It was official.  I was a gardener!

            Then, one day, I walked out to see disaster.  My beautiful spinach bunches had been nibbled almost to the ground.  My tomato plants that had just started showing buds of tomatoes were gone.  I wouldn’t be eating cucumbers from my garden anymore.  Even my water system had been destroyed in places.  I was devastated.  I thought of all the time I’d devoted to this garden, and all the money I thought I’d save. 

            You can bet that I got rid of those rabbits that year, and the following spring, I spent plenty of time figuring how I would keep rabbits out of my precious garden.  Cartoon rabbits might be funny, but the damage real rabbits cause is no joke to a gardener.

Get Rid of Skunks

get rid of skunks
            Thinking of ways of how to get rid of a skunk is just not something you want to do while running at five-thirty in the morning.  But, in my neighborhood, you’d better give it a little bit of thought, for your own safety.

            Around the end of April, my scale and an upcoming trip to the beach reminded me of my New Years Resolution to get fit and trim down.  I spent a lot of time calculating how many calories I needed to burn each day to make my beach trip something more than a Mumu-fest.  I invested in a great pair of running shoes, planned out a route, got a lot of great tips online, and decided which the day I would begin my valiant efforts to get fit.  I figured the best time to get running into my schedule was to go early in the morning before the kids woke up.  So, I also bought a small light to wear on my hip, to alert the few possible drivers of my presence.  A crash diet was possibly in order, but having a car crash into me wasn’t.

          I went to sleep early and excited about my new routine, and woke up angry at the vicious alarm clock and moaning about the indecency of running while it was still dark outside.

            But, I did it.  I started my routine, and after about a week and a half, it got a lot easier.  I didn’t moan as loudly when I woke up, and I finally stopped swearing at the alarm clock.  My breathing was getting easier and I was almost able to run a full mile without stopping.  And, if I was truly honest with myself, I enjoyed running while it was still dark outside.  I felt so virtuous, thinking of myself as a “hard core” runner, alone and free out there in the dim pre-dawn.  It was the only quiet time I had each day, and I was beginning to actually enjoy it. 

            I heard a sound, and then the light on my hip caught a flash of something moving just ahead of me.  I couldn’t make out quite what it was, but it was large enough to make me stop.  Adrenaline pumping, I tried to calm my breathing and squinted, grabbing at the small light.  It moved again.  A cat?  Noooo, what is . . .?  Then my mind finally put it together.  Skunk!!!  Rooting around in someone’s garbage.  Long nose, bushy tail, and of course the white stripes on black fur.  If I hadn’t stopped, I would have run right next to it, probably startling it enough to spray me.

            I backed up slowly and eased over to the other side of the road, warily watching the black shape moving around.  As long as it didn’t turn its tail towards me, I was okay, right?  Unless it was rabid?  No, probably not rabid or it would have charged me by now.  Right?  Maybe?  How many days had I run right by it?  Where was it living?  How do I get rid of a skunk in my neighborhood?  My stomach churned, thinking of how I might have been sprayed before I even knew there was a skunk in the road.

Get Rid of Swallows

get rid of swallows
            We’d been trying to get rid of swallows over the last couple of weeks.  They were trying to build their nest right above our front door, and the mess was terrible.  Bird droppings and bits of mud just littered our door step.  So, we’d knock it down before they finished building the nest and sweep it away, just to have them come right back and start again the next day.  It was irritating, but we just had to be vigilant and get rid of the swallows’ nest every day before they finished.

            Then one day, I went into my laundry room to transfer the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer, and I was startled by hearing this rustling sound.  I have no pets or children, so the sound was unnerving.  Again, this scratching, scrabbling sound, a rustle, and then quiet.  Just gave me the creeps, especially since I was alone in the house, but I had to find out what was making that noise.

            I listened again, and figured out the sound was coming from behind the dryer.  I grabbed a broom, but really had no idea what I would do when I came face to face with whatever was making that noise.  I took a deep breath, wondering if I should wait until my husband came home.  “No, I’m a big girl and can handle this, whatever this is,” I told myself.  Crawling around the dryer, I squished myself into the small space between the wall and the appliance, scared something would come running out at me.

            But, nothing did.  And then I saw the strangest thing.  The dryer vent jumped.  I cracked my head on the shelf overhanging the dryer in my shock, and then composed myself again.  At least whatever it was, it was contained within the dryer vent.  Oh, crap!  It jumped again! 

            Okay, enough was enough.  I tossed the broom out of the room, and prepared to grab the dryer vent out of the wall and the dryer simultaneously.  Whatever it was, it was going to have to leave, and now.  Counting to three . . . then to five . . . then to ten, I finally jerked the vent hose free of both connections and held the ends together, the silvery hose forming a circle.  The bottom of the circle jumped and bounced, hitting my shins, but I kept the ends firmly together and marched out of that laundry room, up the stairs, and, realized I needed at least one hand to open the front door.  I maneuvered an elbow to undo the deadbolt, and then, with my two pinky fingers, managed somehow to open the door. 

            I took two steps out onto the porch and threw the entire silvery hose out into the front lawn, watching in suspense to see what would come out.  To my surprise, two swallows flew out of the hose and up into the tree, angry and terrified.  I hadn’t expected birds, and I didn’t expect them to be the very same birds trying to build a nest on our front porch.  Well, I was determined to get rid of swallows one way or another, and I guess they were just as determined to use my house, one way or another.

Get Rid of Squirrels

get rid of squirrels 
           Times are tough enough without me having to get rid of squirrels from our attic.  My company made me cut back on my hours so that I’m home more and make less, but hey, at least I still have a job, you know?  So, I’m home, and I’m working on the computer looking for some extra work to fill in the gaps, when I hear this noise overhead, coming from the attic. 

            I try to ignore it for a while and make a couple of phone calls.  But, after a while, the rustling, the running, the pitter-pat just drives me crazy.  I stand on my chair and pound on the wall.  It’s quiet for maybe ten seconds, but then starts up again.  I bring in my dog who barks at the ceiling, but the squirrels don’t even care.

            Finally, I crawl on up there, and wouldn’t you know it?  There’s squirrel mess everywhere.  They’ve even gnawed up some of the wood up there, and left a scattering of their droppings.  It could be worse, I guess, it could be something really filthy like mice or something, but squirrels are bad enough. 

            I go outside to see where the squirrels are getting in, and finally find a couple of holes right up under the eaves.  That’s gotta be it.  So, I make a trip to the hardware store, figuring I’ll just plug up the holes, clean up the mess, and that’ll be that.  Good thing I got to talking to the guy there.  He told me I could plug up the holes, but if the squirrels had babies in there, I’d just get a worse problem.  If I make it so mama squirrel can’t get back in to her babies after a long day of foraging for food, she’d do anything to get in there.  She’ll tear through the stucco and wood and make an even worse mess for me to repair. 

            So now what?  I’ve got to wait for the babies to grow up and leave the nest?  How long would that take, and why should I have to deal with listening to the annoying rustling sounds above my head, knowing some wild creature and her babies are up there?  Plus, we store stuff up there, and I don’t want them rummaging around in my stuff.  No, it’s time to get rid of squirrels and now!

            I consider myself a do-it-yourself kind of guy, but this was all kind of new to me.  What do I do?  Poison?  Set a trap?  What’s legal and what’s not?  I have no idea.  It’s not like they teach you this kind of thing in high school shop class.  It’s just not worth the hassle, I think.  It’s definitely time to call a professional.  Once they get rid of the squirrels, I can plug up those holes and that’ll be that.  Maybe I can learn how to do it right, and find a job with the pest control service?  Who knows, these squirrels might be a blessing in disguise.

Get Rid of Voles

get rid of voles

Ring!  Ring!

Lizzie:  Hi, this is Lizzie.  We get rid of voles, moles and gophers in holes!  How may I help you?

Caller:  I’m desperate.  I’ve had my house on the market for a long time now, and I’ve even dropped the price.  It’s a really great house, and a lot of people are interested, but they want me to lower the price even more because of the yard.  I just can’t afford to lose any money.

Lizzie:  I’m happy you called.  Let’s see how we can help you.  You say there’s a problem with the yard?  What’s going on?

Caller:  There’s these dead spots all over the front and back yard.  Well, they’re not really dead spots, they’re more like dead trails.  Trails of dead grass all over the front yard and the back yard.  And, some of our really nice fruit trees are dying. 

Lizzie:  Uh, huh.  And, are there big piles of dirt everywhere?

Caller:  Not really, no.  It’s just these big, snaky trails all over.  Looks like a road map out there. 

Lizzie:  Have you seen large holes?

Caller:  Well, we’ve seen a couple of smallish holes.  Like, about the size of a quarter, or like someone shoved a broomstick at an angle into the ground.

Lizzie:  Sounds to me like you need our help to get rid of voles.

Caller:  Voles?  Aren’t those kind of like mice?  We have a nice house here, not a dirty . . .

Lizzie:  I’m sure your house is absolutely lovely!  Voles are a little bit like mice, but they generally don’t get into your home.  They like to stay in a yard that has a lot of tall grass or dense shrubbery.  Places for them to hide.

Caller:  Tall grass?  That explains it, I guess.  We had a lot of things going on, and I didn’t really mow the lawn down that much before the first big snow fall.  It was kind of long, but I didn’t think there’d be any problem. 

Lizzie:  They really do prefer the taller grasses, because they can tunnel around, stay warm, and stay out of sight of their natural predators.  They’ll burrow around in the grass under the snow, and chew through roots and eat bulbs if you’ve planted any.  They may also be responsible for your fruit trees dying.  Are there rings of bark missing around the base?

Caller:  Dang it all, yes!  Can you do anything?  I just have to sell this house!  We’re moving in a month and it’s got to be gone before then!

Lizzie:  We can certainly get rid of the voles, to prevent them from damaging your yard any further.  May I suggest a couple of good landscapers to repair the damage they’ve already caused?

Caller:  That’d be great.  How soon can you all get out here?

Get Rid of Rats

get rid of rats   
         “In an effort to get rid of rats in the dormitories, we require all students’ food be kept in the kitchens.  The kitchens will remain open at all times to allow you access to your food.”

            The sign was posted on both ends of every floor of the dorms.  “Dude, you can’t let L’il Debbie stay the night anymore,” Mark joked, pointing at Clayton’s stash of snack cakes. 

            “I’m so gonna miss her,” Clayton said, some chocolate crumbs still sticking on the corner his lips.  He wasn’t a small guy.

            “So, seriously, why can’t we keep food in our rooms anymore?  They say they’re going to check us to make sure we don’t have anything.”  Mark was kind of annoyed about it, really.  Finals were coming and he was facing a few all-nighters.  He really hadn’t attended all his classes as much as he should have, but had to have good grades to keep his scholarship.  He was hoping caffeine-laced soda and sugary snacks would magically keep him alert enough to cram as much information into his brain as possible.

            “I bet one of the girls saw a tiny little mouse outside in the garden and blew it all out of proportion,” Nick said.  His girlfriend had just broken up with him, so he didn’t have a real high opinion of the ladies at the moment.

            But, the boys all complied with the order to help get rid of rats by taking all their food out of their dorm rooms and into the communal kitchen.

            That night, Mark needed some brain-aid food, so he made his way down to the kitchen, where he ran into Nick and Clayton and a couple of the girls.  He said “hi” and listened to their conversation as he reached into the cabinet to pull out some snacks.  Something furry brushed his hand.

            “What the AAAAAAAA!” he screamed.  Everyone jumped and stared at him.  “There’s something in there!”  He kept shaking his hand as if it would help him forget the feeling of that coarse hair on his skin.

            Everyone jumped up and crowded around the cabinet.  “That’s rat poop all over there, dude.  It’s all over the food.”  One of the girls groaned and ran over to the sink to spit out whatever she’d been eating, washing her mouth out as much as she could.  “I’m gonna be sick,” said the other girl.

            Clayton grabbed up his phone.  “Put the phone in there, I’m filming.  Let’s see if we can get it on camera.”  Nick was a little less squeamish than the others, so he took the phone and maneuvered it into the cabinet.  Sure enough, there it was.  A small rat.  But, it made them wonder if there were more. 

            Mark said, “Sooo, we got rid of rats from the dorms and now they’re in the kitchen?  I think I’d rather have rats in the dorms!”

Get Rid of Moles

get rid of moles
Moles Speak Out Against Current Media Portrayal

            Moles in Hollywood are picketing production houses and animation studios in an effort to alter the public’s perception of them.  While they are aware that more people will want to get rid of moles if they are successful, they say it will be worth it.

            “Most everyone thinks we’re just blind, soft, cute and dumb, but there’s so much more to us.  We’re not totally blind or dumb,” one mole organizer explained.

            Their letter to one animation studio cited old and recent movies, claiming the cartoons make them into “caricatures, either as terrible pests or as single-minded, blind but cute beasts.”

            “Why can’t they see that moles are people, too?” one picketer with particularly soft fur said.

            In response, the public relations manager for the animation studio came out with this statement:  “While many humans define moles as “odd looking”, they are also cute. 

We see that as a good thing, and we use this to our best advantage in our cartoons.  We cannot be held responsible if they have soft fur and adorable little noses.”

            Another production house whose recent film vilified the rodent took an opposite stance.  “Moles do a lot more damage than we actually showed in our movie.  They cost homeowners a lot of money when they kill off the grass or plants, and their ridges of dirt are unsightly and make lawn care difficult.”

            Picket organizers admit they had a difficult time getting moles to join them, since they are not extremely social creatures.  “We just felt it was worth the effort, because we have so many great qualities humans are missing.  For example, we have twice as much blood as other creatures our size, which helps us to breathe better underground where we have low oxygen and high carbon dioxide.  Where is that information in the movies?”

            Some moles from a nearby subdivision are speaking out against the L.A. protest.  They seem to fear reprisals, greater efforts to get rid of moles.  One mole, who wishes to remain anonymous, said:  “We have a hard enough time as it is, without these big city moles bringing all this attention to us.  They want to tell the truth about us?  Then tell everyone we can eat up to 50 pounds of grubs every year.  That’s good for your lawn, never mind the damage we might do to the rest of the yard.”

            Moles do not eat vegetation, but their tunneling activities do turn the grass brown.  They are excellent at tunneling.  It is estimated they are able to dig their tunnels at 18 feet per hour. 

            Perhaps my interview with one local homeowner and his daughter says it all.  “They’d be welcome to all the grubs in my yard, if only they didn’t have to dig.  I’d be happy to have them here if they weren’t killing off my grass.”  His daughter added, “Ooooh!  They’re so cute!”

Get Rid of Gophers

get rid of gophers
Come along with me and I will show you the best way to get rid of gophers.  Hunting gophers will make you feel like the great hunters among our ancestors, the wild creatures who tamed the untamable vermin, who chased them across alien terrains into their holes and then drug them right out of their very homes.

We emerge from the safety of the known and streak across the fields, ears flapping in the wind.  Take in the smells, the joy of running as fast as your four legs can carry you, each sound and odor an adventure.  Feel the grass brush your belly as you leap and jump.  Howl and bark and give voice to your freedom and then give into the hunt.

Sometimes you smell them first, sometimes you hear them burrowing just under the surface, sometimes you might even see one streaking across the grass in front of you.  You have already struck terror into its heart and it knows it will soon face extermination.  And you, you are to be feared.

The ground feels slightly spongy.  It will mean the gopher will be able to dig quickly, but so can you, and your paws are ever so much bigger.  We are designed perfectly to get rid of gophers.  It is our calling, our destiny.  Ah!  You catch a whiff and stop dead in your tracks.  Ever so still, we cock our heads this way and that way to pinpoint exactly where it’s gone to ground.  Our every sense is quivering, searching. 

Then, POUNCE.  Forepaws furiously grind through the grass, weeds and dirt.  We are a blur, a flurry of digging, and yet we are frustrated it’s just not fast enough, so we even use our mouths to pull up chunks of dirt or debris in our way.  It cannot escape, it will not escape.  It is just a matter of who can dig faster, us or the gopher. 

We have been told we have sweet, deep dark puppy eyes, but not at this moment.  Our eyes are full of fury, devotion to the hunt, hard.  We are wild, crazy, but it is our insane pulling at the ground that will give us success.  We shall get rid of the gopher.

We hear it moving back and forth, frantic to escape, but there are two of us and it is caught in one tunnel, can only go two ways.  It is between us, underground, but it knows its end is near.  We have dug deep enough that our snouts can reach in, teeth and tongue straining down the tiny tunnel, desperate to get at the creature.  We are so, so close.  Almost there!

Ball?  Wheeee!  Chase the ball!  Chase the ball!